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Ooh er, angry redhead!

Every day my heart weeps for Orphan Annie. I watch her out the window each day and feel a little twinge of sympathy.

She's not the Orphan Annie, rather a uni student with similar hairstyle for whom I lack the imagination to coin a more original alias. The first time I saw her sprinting out of Fenner Hall with scarf, trendy satchel and precision-faded jeans, I thought she had on a little woolly red hat. But I soon realised that, good god, it was actually her hair.

When I was young, my mother had my red locks butchered into an angry red helmet. She thought it looked cute. But all the other girls in my kindergarten had long ponytails and pretty ribbons! All I had was a rotten little ball of red. My chronic lack of self-esteem was cemented at this tender age. I would growl contemptously at my reflection in the bathroom mirror each morning. I'd mash my hair down flat to try and make it look longer. I'd kick and scream before every trip to the hairdressers. I became convinced my hair deficiency was the reason why a particularly lovely boy would never catch and kiss me when we played Catch And Kiss in the playground.

(granted, 15 years later I found out he was gay, but when I was in kindergarten, gay still meant happy and I lacked gaiety because of his cruel indifference to me)

Anyway, being a redhead can be traumatic: people expect you to be feisty, you look crap in pink, you continually have to scream "CARROT TOPS ARE ACTUALLY GREEN!" in feeble defence, it's hard to find a lipstick that doesn't make you look like a hooker, you can't blend in with a crowd, people expect you to go off like a firecracker between the sheets, if you raise your voice there's a chorus of "Ooh er! Angry redhead!", and complete strangers ask you if you are red "down there".

(incidentally, I know when people are going to ask That Question before they even say it. One lunchtime in about Year 9 I was minding my own business when I was accosted by a number of guys, slyly scuffing their sneakers on the pavement and wearing the smuggest of grins.

"Hey Shauna, we were just wondering…"

"IT'S RED GODDAMMIT!" I yelled. "Shall I pluck out a sample for you? Or should I just drop my dacks in the middle of the basketball court SO YOU CAN ALL HAVE A GAWK!?!")

"Well, that could work."

"GET FAAAARRRRRRRRRRRKED!"

"Ooh er! Angry redhead!")

Orphan Annie has it worse, in my opinion, coz not only does she have the red hair, she's got that impossibly wiry steel-wool hair that can only be tamed by cropping it as close to the skull as possible.

(we had a term for people with such hair my high school, and that was of course, "Pube Head". I could have given OA this nickname but I like to think my nicknames have matured a little since my high school days)

She could be quite content with her hair, for all I know. The steely texture may appeal to her. She may like the wash-and-go convenience of the cut. Or perhaps she's bitter and twisted because people up-end her to scrub dirty saucepans with her head.

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


4 thoughts on “Ooh er, angry redhead!

  1. Hey! I just wanted to say that I LOVE your little enlightment about red heads. I too am a red head and feel exactly the way you did when I was little! My mom chopped my hair off and thought it was so cute and blah blah blah…and I always felt like guys don’t like me because I am a red head. Oh yeah and, the whole fire crotch thing? What is up with that lol? Do we go around asking blonde’s if their pubes are blonde??? No I don’t think so! But anyways I feel ya! Keep up the great writing! I enjoy it!

  2. Ha! Awesome!
    Being of the more “strawberry blond” end of the red scale I get to contend with people accusing me of being blond! The gall!

    😉

    Q: How can you tell a red heads been using the computer
    A: There’s a hammer embedded in the monitor

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