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Demon Velocipedists

Cyclists of the nation's capital, listen here. I really respect your eco-friendliness, your bravery to ride on a winters day, the muscular thighs and pert buttocks for my viewing pleasure. But why can't you make up your bloody mind. Are you going act like a car, or a pedestrian?

There's nothing worse than cruising along a major road in peak hour and you're wobbling all over the left lane. You won't bloody stay near the edge and there's nowhere for me to move because all the other lanes are clogged. I'm terrified of coming too close and shaving off your arm like a meat slicer, but you just keep pedalling along, veering ever closer to my car, when there's a perfectly good bike path a few metres away!

Then in the morning when I am late to work, you chug along the street as slow as molasses, so I put my foot down and overtake you. In return you get all huffy and wave your fists and curse at me!

I almost killed one of you when turning down a street. This time you'd chosen to go Pedestrian and ride along the footpath. You got to the end of it and instead of stopping to look for cars as a normal pedestrian, you decide you are a law unto yourself and sail across the intersection without stopping for me, who was already halfway turned into the street. So I have to slam on my brakes, and suddenly your front tyre is kissing mine.

"Gee, don't you watch what you're doing?" you snarl.

If you want to be given the same courtesy as an ordinary old car or someone on foot, how bout giving me some courtesy? You expect us to treat you the same as any other car on the road, yet if the light goes red you decide, "Hey! I'm going to make a like biped now and ride across the crossing! Then when it's convenient for me I will ride in the middle of the frigging road again!".

You're zipping all over the place like an angry mosquito, confusing me and scaring me witless. So if you expect me to brake at the zebra crossing, pick up your act. Or better still, use one of the twenty bazillion bike paths in this crappy town. You can't have it both ways. Make up your mind before I mow you down in cold blood!

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


9 thoughts on “Demon Velocipedists

  1. I say that if they want to ride on the roads then they have to doo all the things road users have to do. Obey signs. obey the speed limit. get your vehicle registered. get a damn licence, so you know what the signs mean. failure to comply to these rules will result in harsh fines and I say bring back the death penalty.

    (bikes on the roads is #45 of things monkey hates. could you tell?)

  2. I absolutely agree, and I don’t even drive. Bikers are evil fuckers and, what’s more, probably part of Satan’s Armies of Doom ™. Come the Apocalypse, they’ll be everywhere, spandex-clad and uber-fit.

    Give in to the rage. Put spikes on the front of your car and play Carmageddon. (This is why I don’t have a driver’s license yet. The temptation would be just too great.)

  3. Yeah, don’t you just love it when they hop off their bike at red lights and walk across the road, all the while going nyahh nyahh at you.

    I note also that the comments on this post are 100% Canberran thus far. Hmmm.

  4. You could start a ‘Put Canberra’s Cyclists Back In Their Place’ campaign. Distribute leaflets to cyclists to spell out some basic facts of law about cycling. Put posters up, too. Get petrol stations to sponsor car stickers, that they then give out to motorists when they fill up. Get a petition going. Organise public demonstrations. And, of course, mount swords on your wheels, Bodicea-style 🙂

  5. Ironically enough, today was Ride To Work day, so all the damned “once a year” people had clogged all the bike racks at work, so I had to hunt for a spare slot. Bet you they won’t be there tomorrow.

    Oh yeah, that’s right, I ride a bike to work. Hi there fellow commenteers!

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