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Sittin’ Pretty

I worry about my butt. It never really occurred to me before just how much time I spend sitting on it. The life of a Content Monkey doesn’t involve much running around. Basically I am in front of the screen all day long, cuttin’ and a-pastin’. I walk the dog and go to the gym, but the majority of my day is truly spent just sittin’.

Sometimes I feel like my butt will become Germany, circa 1938. Hitler’s at the helm and he’s making plans for expansion. It would start out innocently enough, a few troops in the Rhineland, the jeans getting a bit snug. But next thing he’s annexing Austria, invading Poland, seams are bursting and chairs are breaking. Suddenly there’s the map of Europe with swastikas peppered all over the place and I have nothing to wear but a mumu.

It’s just the nature of so many jobs these days, we are chained to the desk. We are slaves to the cubicle. I do try and counteract this by flinging myself around at the gym. I also eat healthily, but what choice does my poor body have but to send it straight to my butt if I spend most of my day perched in a chair?

Let’s take yesterday for example. I got up off my butt and out of bed. I took the hound for a brief walk, which is a good, non-sitting activity. Then I sat down on my butt to eat breakfast. Then I got in the car and let four spinning wheels trundle me along to work, like some indulgent Roman emperor. Then I took the lift up to my cubicle where I sat on my arse from 9 – 5, with a few wanders to the bathroom, a trip outside for fresh air, but like I said. It’s mostly sittin’.

Then last night we all met International Supastar Blogger Miss Kristen (who incidentally turned out to be a lovely, lovely person with a charming accent and fiancee, and by no means all a serial killer, unlike most people you meet off the Internet). During this meeting I spent even more time sitting on my arse. About two hours worth over dinner. Then mercifully, we did have a little bit of a wander through Civic, looking for a place to have coffee. In other words, another place to park our arses.

Then after we bid Miss Kristen and her Fiancee farewell, I returned to my car in which I once again sat down to drive.

I got home at around 11 o’clock, when again I sat down on my arse to check my email and watch a bit of The Ice Dream.

As I toddled off to bed later, I thought to myself, gee my butt feels kinda numb. It must have been exhausted from all that sitting around.

Then I got into bed to lay down for about 8 hours and do absolutely nothing, all in the name of slumber.

It was then it occurred to me just how bloody long I’d spent sitting around. I started doing some frantic calculations in my head:

I go to the gym about 4-5 hours per week. Plus 2-3 hours of Harry walking. Plus incidental activity, like to the pub, or to the fridge for some icecream. Maybe 2 hours a week. So that’s 10 hours physical stuff per week.

Then you have 8 hours a day at work, x 5 days = 40 hours.

Then 8 hours of sleep per night, plus about 10 or so hours on the lazy weekends = 60 hours of slumber.

Everyone knows Shauny’s suck at maths, but it seems for every hour of grueling grunty labour, I have 10 hours of inactivity.

Is it any wonder I am paranoid about arse expansion? How can 10 hours of lung-bursting physical activity compete with 100 hours of sloth? I fear I have years of this ahead of me, as I can’t see my career moving away from the desk-bound realm any time soon.

That is why I have dreamed up a way to combine endless toil at the computer screen with rigorous physical activity:

the buttsaver 2000 (TM) - behold the wonder of microsoft paint
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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


22 thoughts on “Sittin’ Pretty

  1. i get all the exercise i need at work by ‘jigging’ my legs all day, and it has the added advantage of driving my co-workers potty.

    or you could always do those butt cheek clenches that we read about in cosmo and never get around do doing ‘in the supermarket checkout queue or while waiting for the traffic light to turn green’

    and also i kinda like your purple butt flattering triangle dress – can i borrow it sometime?

  2. Mwahaha!!! You vie so eloquently with the problem that assails all of us bound at a desk for cyber-chainganging, shauny. Your solution seems much much superior to my current attempt at ridding myself of extraneous gut (blokes get guts, sheila’s get arses you know…), which is to drink 10 giant black coffees in a working day and let my muscles vibrate themselves into a different state of matter. Can’t say much about my brain at the end of a day though… think blotchy vision, mild dyspepsia and violent flatulence.
    And as for schwanzkase Adolf, I’d put my money on you if he came at ya lofting a weisswurst baby.

  3. your graphical skillz are without peer. what on earth are you doing as a content monkey? you should be a graphic deisgner fer sure…. i love you Miss Shauny.. move to melbourne and play.

  4. Heh. Nice art work! I especially like the laptop-on-a-stick idea. I think you’ve got a winner.

    It was really nice to meet you and the rest of the Canberra gang. If you’re ever passing through Singapore, we’ll be happy to see ya!

  5. LOL! What a *fantastic* post, Shauny. Two thumbs up from over here.

    What you need is to go dancing. No, really. It’s great for burning the butt off. Just dance around the house. Crank up the music and let ‘er rip. 🙂

  6. Or you could you wait for the German 6th Army to be routed after the siege of Stalingrad. (Hmmm … signs I spend too much time with my head in a history book.)

    One thing’s for sure, that treadmill’s going to be a bumpy ride with those wheels.

  7. I hope that the stick that the laptop’s on isn’t attached to the belt of the treadmill, which is how it looks. There’s not much point in trying to reduce your arse if you’ve got a laptop-on-a-stick up it as a result of treadmill carnage.

  8. Man. See, I walk about two, three miles every day (what with walking from home to work to class to work to class to home to class to work), and I rarely sit still except to play video games. Even at work, where I am indeed supposedly computer-bound, I’m always running to different buildings, going to the copy room, filing stuff in another room, delivering messages to faculty in their offices (which aren’t my office, you see!), and basically on my feet much of the time. Man. I love my job.

  9. I had a friend who put herself through college by stripping. She said that eight hours of pole dancing will make you unable to keep the weight *on.* If you need any more bad advice, let me know.

  10. -snort-

    -chuckle-

    -chortle-

    -spew soda on monitor-

    -wipe off and type-

    No doubt about it. This is why I usually bounce my legs while working. Dig my heels into the floor and pull my toes towards my nose, somethin’. Hey, my butt is still bigger than yours, but at least it’s not getting much, much bigger.

    I need a much better job than this, one where I don’t sit down so darn much. I swear, the best job I had for my health was working at a gas station, because I stood most of the time.

  11. I often think I would do a lot better if my PC was powered by an exercise bike.

    I know Swampy said it first (sorta) but I thought of it before I read the comment so I’m posting it anyway.

  12. A fantastic way to combat assal horizontology. Even if the treadmill thing doesn’t take off maybe the laptop-on-a-stick will. Stuff’s so much better on a stick. Just look at dagwood dogs.

  13. Funny you should say that, about the serial killers lurking on the internet.
    After sending you A Brief History Of The Universe As Defined By Wonderful Me, I woke up this morning in a screaming sweat, wondering if you were maybe a scary old man instead of a scary young woman. And then I realised that *I* was probably the scarier one, anyway. HAH!

  14. Sir Mix-a-Lots liked big butts. He couldn’t lie about it. Maybe if you lose the contented monkey gig you could snoop out a future in Hip-Hop?

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