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From the comfort of your own home

The flying tomato sauce was the last straw. For six months we've been trudging to the supermarket each week and trying to buy the lightest goods possible, because lugging them up three flights of stairs has proven to be a trial. We always seem to leave the shopping til the arse end of the weekend when there's only the slightest sliver of energy left in our bones. We've tried doing a few short trips, we've tried resting between flights, we've tried stuffing our backpacks with the food then slowly staggering up like an Everest expedition. The fact is, we're just really bloody lazy. Last week we were on the top flight and I was shuffling along behind my sister. A bottle of La Gina Tomato Sauce with Basil suddenly fell out of her bag. It slowly rattled along the tiles and I watched it, mesmerised. "Are you going to pick that up?" she asked after what felt like an hour, but was probably half a second. "Whaaa?" I had shopping bags threaded up my forearms, it didn't occur to me to put them down. Next thing you know the bottle rolled off the edge. I expected to hear that falling noise like on the cartoons. Three storeys, it fell. We heard it shatter and the air smelled all fruity. "Oh, shit." It looked like someone had been murdered down there. Someone with basil scented blood. It was all over the floor, smeared down the wall. This week we decided to try something different: Woolworths HomeShop. It was so easy! We wandered down the virtual aisle, a click here, a click there. The delivery was scheduled for Monday night and we were ridiculously excited. We even cleaned up the kitchen so the delivery guy wouldn't think we were slobs. At 8pm, the buzzer rang. "G'day? It's John from Woolworths!" "Oh great, come on up!" "Up? What floor?" "The top one!" "That'd be fucking right!" He sounded crazy. But we opened the door anyway. We saw three crates of groceries and a pair of scrawny legs poking out from beneath them. "I am getting too bloody old for this shit!" said the crates on legs. He trudged inside and dumped the goods on the bench, revealing a shaved head and shady teeth. He didn't draw breath once for the next five minutes as he unceremoniously unpacked the goods. Rhiannon and I just stood there, wide-eyed, as he rambled and bounced around. "Here we are ladies! How are you this evening? Bit frickin cold tonight eh? I see why you get HomeShop, those stairs are a bitch! Oh it's your first time? Right. I better tell you a few things. First I'll need your card, swipe it here. Cheque Savings or Credit? Savings eh? I used to have a Savings Account but I traded it in for a wife and kids and a mortgage. I shoulda invested in a garage full of fuckin Harleys, would have been better resale value I tell ya. "Anyway, what ya got here. Jeeeeeesus, you two are so bloody healthy! Look at all these goddamn vegetables! Where's the chocolate? Where's the chips? Y'don't even have a packet of Tim Tams? What's wrong with ya? Anyway, just watch out, Woolies are the sneakiest bastards in the world, they'll get the HomeShop stuff from the shittiest stock ou the back, the stuff they woulda thrown out otherwise. And as for your milk. You buy milk at the supermarket and what's the first thing ya do? Y' check the use by date, that's what! But most HomeShop people are stupid and they just throw the goods straight in the fridge without checking and the next day they have a big swig of putrid milk. No really it's true. So don't be that fucking stupid alright? "Awww shit, they told me I gotta watch me language. I'm sorry if I'm offendin ya. Actually no I'm not sorry, I've been talkin like this for forty years and I ain't changing for no prick. "Well that's about it. But I gotta tell ya girls, I won't be climbing up these fucking stairs for much longer, do y' know why? We're not delivering to apartments like these anymore. Some delivery guy got the shit kicked out of him in Sydney so Woolies have said, no more apartments, which means you have to meet me at the front and lug it all up the stairs yourself, which sorta defeats the purpose but at least you don't have to go to the fucking supermarket with all those screaming babies, wah wah wah. I mean, you two don't look like you'd hurt me, but you never know. You could be terrorists! I would never have thought Bin Laden was a terrorist just to look at him. People are full of surprises. "Anyway, catch ya later. And remember girls, ground floor apartments are the way to go, orright?" The pie apples and Sirena tuna were missing and the snow peas were shit. But overall, it was a memorable experience.

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


28 thoughts on “From the comfort of your own home

  1. We don’t have a car so online grocery shopping is very tempting, but I’m so scared I’m going to have an experience like yours, that I haven’t bothered. I’ve heard things about bad produce, stale bread and spoiled milk. Scary!

  2. I don’t have a car anymore so recently I ventured into the realm of delivery groceries. It appears many if not most of the grocery stores in urban Montreal do this. I mean, I go to the store and shop. Then when I get to the checkout I just ask for delivery. I was worried that it would be expensive, but it’s actually really cheap: $3.50 for the first 40$ worth of groceries, and something like $2 for every 40$ after that. Totally worth it; cheaper than taking a taxi home. And I get to go to the good BIG store in the next neighbourhood rather than the nearby dirty and expensive one. I’ve actually only done it once, but it was great. I paid, walked home, and about ten minutes after I got home the guy showed up. Awesome.

  3. Oh, the horrors of modern life.

    Could be worse: you could have to go out and hunt and gather yourself.

    We signed up once for those Light and Easy meals, where someone makes up every meal for you for the next week. It’s actually quite reasonably priced, and the food’s not terrible. It’s also all good food, in that it’s calorie controlled and nutitionally balanced.

    We tried it for one week and then got jack of some twat telling us what we were supposed to eat at every meal every day. You didn’t even get a choice about your snacks.

  4. I’ve been getting homeshop for a while now, and I have just one tip – if something they give you is bad or if anything is missing, ring their customer service number and let them know!
    Their customer service is pretty good, they will actually do something about it, including crediting your account if something is missing most of the time.
    Also I hope what this guy says about apartments isn’t true 🙁

    from a fellow top floor dweller.

  5. walking home with bags of shopping is about the only exercise i do. but it doesn’t really count since usually i’ll only buy some broccoli and a packet of bikkies… and i only live a minutes walk from the shop anyway.

    stuff exercise- i wonder if the home delivery service would give me a discount cos i live so close?

  6. Re the dark pictures, well, pictures tend to show up darker on windtendo boxes than macs. Just up the gamma a few notches (1.2 oughta do it) on the photos and you should be fine.

    See ya next week!

  7. I live at the top of a cliff.I have 45 stairs to climb, out of doors, which is lovely with 18 bags threaded onto your arms, catching the twigs off the brush fence and ripping to bits at step 33…
    So when possible I do shopfast or greengrocer, they charge heroically up the stairs and smile bravely before packing my stuff away, having tripped on the kids toys and crap all up the hallway.Mmm, they say, nice view, but geeze those steps must keep you bloody fit.
    I have never encounterd a nasty homeshop man, ever. They make you feel like all they want to do is lug your stuff up a cliff, and nothing else!Sounds like you got the special gift edition delivery man..

  8. Do they deliver to remote areas? *LOL*
    Love yah writing Shauny..and yah have improved since last I looked………Bill

  9. Ah, i’m sure he was telling stories when he said they weren’t delivering to flats. Sounds like you got entertainment value, anyway.

    i live on the top floor too. Some days there are more stairs than on others! My bf calls them “the bitches.”

  10. I can rig up a sort of dumb waiter jobbie out of your bedroom window, Shauners. Won’t be no thing. You want your groceries upstairs, chuck em on the tray and winch em up!

    You could even get a hand turner thing so you can work out your arms while you shop. ohh yeah. Be there on sunday.

  11. You need to hire or train a couple monkeys to haul your veggies up to your apartment. Well buy an extra couple bananas to feel the monkeys too. Train them to be monkey butler as well.

  12. Well, that sounds like the classic grocery-delivery experience. No, surely that’d be if it were a naive yet hunky young man, and you and your sister took turns having your wicked way with him.

    Please excuse me, I’ve just watched a feature about woman-porn (truly. It finished not 10 mintues ago)

  13. it’s almost worth catching a flight out to the colonies simply to snap up some of ‘this culture’… whilst he still draws breath!! :c)

  14. I checked out the Woolies website and the first thing I see is the “Careers” button. Give it a go Shauny, just think what charging up stairs all day with 50 lb. of groceries on each arm would do for your fitness! 🙂

  15. We order groceries online weekly from a great place based out of Missisauga, Ontario (grocerygateway.com). Everything is super fresh, the delivery guys are really polite, and it’s super convenient. We moved to a new apartment last month and live right across the street from a grocery store. Don’t care, though, since the groceries we get delivered are so much fresher (experation on milk is always 3 weeks away from when it gets delivered and the ground beef is awesome).

  16. Gawd! That brightened up my whole day! I was feeling all bitchy ’cause I missed a party last night due to school, and dinner and a movie tonight ’cause I’m a momma. It was nice to get a good laugh. You are supah funny, Shauny.

    I don’t drive so I can certainly relate to shopping only for light items so as not to have to lug all the heavy shit on the bus or walking home. Those little jars of mayo just get used up too fast yo.

    Maybe I should order delivery too, I bet it wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining though. Seattle service people aren’t usually so colorful.

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