The flying tomato sauce was the last straw. For six months we've been trudging to the supermarket each week and trying to buy the lightest goods possible, because lugging them up three flights of stairs has proven to be a trial. We always seem to leave the shopping til the arse end of the weekend when there's only the slightest sliver of energy left in our bones. We've tried doing a few short trips, we've tried resting between flights, we've tried stuffing our backpacks with the food then slowly staggering up like an Everest expedition. The fact is, we're just really bloody lazy. Last week we were on the top flight and I was shuffling along behind my sister. A bottle of La Gina Tomato Sauce with Basil suddenly fell out of her bag. It slowly rattled along the tiles and I watched it, mesmerised. "Are you going to pick that up?" she asked after what felt like an hour, but was probably half a second. "Whaaa?" I had shopping bags threaded up my forearms, it didn't occur to me to put them down. Next thing you know the bottle rolled off the edge. I expected to hear that falling noise like on the cartoons. Three storeys, it fell. We heard it shatter and the air smelled all fruity. "Oh, shit." It looked like someone had been murdered down there. Someone with basil scented blood. It was all over the floor, smeared down the wall. This week we decided to try something different: Woolworths HomeShop. It was so easy! We wandered down the virtual aisle, a click here, a click there. The delivery was scheduled for Monday night and we were ridiculously excited. We even cleaned up the kitchen so the delivery guy wouldn't think we were slobs. At 8pm, the buzzer rang. "G'day? It's John from Woolworths!" "Oh great, come on up!" "Up? What floor?" "The top one!" "That'd be fucking right!" He sounded crazy. But we opened the door anyway. We saw three crates of groceries and a pair of scrawny legs poking out from beneath them. "I am getting too bloody old for this shit!" said the crates on legs. He trudged inside and dumped the goods on the bench, revealing a shaved head and shady teeth. He didn't draw breath once for the next five minutes as he unceremoniously unpacked the goods. Rhiannon and I just stood there, wide-eyed, as he rambled and bounced around. "Here we are ladies! How are you this evening? Bit frickin cold tonight eh? I see why you get HomeShop, those stairs are a bitch! Oh it's your first time? Right. I better tell you a few things. First I'll need your card, swipe it here. Cheque Savings or Credit? Savings eh? I used to have a Savings Account but I traded it in for a wife and kids and a mortgage. I shoulda invested in a garage full of fuckin Harleys, would have been better resale value I tell ya. "Anyway, what ya got here. Jeeeeeesus, you two are so bloody healthy! Look at all these goddamn vegetables! Where's the chocolate? Where's the chips? Y'don't even have a packet of Tim Tams? What's wrong with ya? Anyway, just watch out, Woolies are the sneakiest bastards in the world, they'll get the HomeShop stuff from the shittiest stock ou the back, the stuff they woulda thrown out otherwise. And as for your milk. You buy milk at the supermarket and what's the first thing ya do? Y' check the use by date, that's what! But most HomeShop people are stupid and they just throw the goods straight in the fridge without checking and the next day they have a big swig of putrid milk. No really it's true. So don't be that fucking stupid alright? "Awww shit, they told me I gotta watch me language. I'm sorry if I'm offendin ya. Actually no I'm not sorry, I've been talkin like this for forty years and I ain't changing for no prick. "Well that's about it. But I gotta tell ya girls, I won't be climbing up these fucking stairs for much longer, do y' know why? We're not delivering to apartments like these anymore. Some delivery guy got the shit kicked out of him in Sydney so Woolies have said, no more apartments, which means you have to meet me at the front and lug it all up the stairs yourself, which sorta defeats the purpose but at least you don't have to go to the fucking supermarket with all those screaming babies, wah wah wah. I mean, you two don't look like you'd hurt me, but you never know. You could be terrorists! I would never have thought Bin Laden was a terrorist just to look at him. People are full of surprises. "Anyway, catch ya later. And remember girls, ground floor apartments are the way to go, orright?" The pie apples and Sirena tuna were missing and the snow peas were shit. But overall, it was a memorable experience.