Search

Dog Years

This is the third time I've had a birthday since starting this freaking blog. That is just a ridiculous amount of time to be waffling on. You should take me down the back paddock and put me out of my misery like an old dog, before I start to go blind and bark halfheartedly at parked cars. Now I'm 25. What's that in dog years? 175? So relatively speaking, about a century ago you should have all kneeled down in front of your children and said in grave tones, "Darling, Shauny's gone to doggie heaven. No, don't cry, she'll be happy up there! Now she is free to run through meadows and hump any leg she chooses!"

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestEmail this to someoneBuffer this page

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


53 thoughts on “Dog Years

  1. yea but in Blog years you’re only three…so that makes you 21 in dog blog years. Right?

    Thats a whole year younger than you were when you started. SO in a way you’re not getting older, your getting younger.

    Happy birthday you old thing.

  2. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too.

    Hang on.

    I’ve never met you before.

    Ahem.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAUNY!!! Have a glass of merlot on me!!

  3. Happy birthday Shauny. Celebrate! Compared to me, soon to be 273 by your measure, you are still a young thing!

    Uh. Do I want to reveal that I’m almost 273?

    Oh hell, why not.

  4. In 1824, when Joshua Moore bought the first land grant for the territory that would come to be known as Canberra (a word meaning “meeting place” — and from what I understand from Shauny seems to tell us, no doubt two wisecrackers are waiting for Godot), he was a very horny man. Australian history books tell of St. John’s Church and the otherwise dreary offshoots of Christianity that pervaded the Canberra area in the mid-19th Century, a sign of things to come when the whole of Canberra would say no to self-government in 1978 (incidentally, a mere one year before a certain Canberran we all know and love made its way out from mum; soon to become a blogging phenomenon that even Internet superstars like Kottke and Jish are afraid to mention. Coincidence? I think not!).

    But what all the historians fail to chronicle is just how randy Moore and his ilk were when they decided to check out the thatchy strip just at the foot of Black Mountain. After all, what does any sensible human, long denied the grope, taste, and undulations of another’s anatomy, think of when they see a bigass mountain? Well, probably a mountain that either resembles a tit that’s as plentiful as Jayne Mansfield’s buxom offerings or a tremendous scrotum, with enough semen packed within its Almighty Testicle to unleash a thousand Titans, giving those pesky Canberrans, who had to be FORCED into self-government mind you, a bit of perspective.

    What does all this have to do with Shauns and the big 25? Well, as you recall, Moore was ready to burst. He had convinced himself that relieving himself in the — ahem, modern and private sense was wrong. And he had had the misfortune of bringing along a good deal of born again Christians onto the large strip of land he had purchased, many of them nubile and with large breasts. His specific intention, which most of the history books gloss over, was to break a few people in. He didn’t know much about the Canberra geography, but from what he had seen, he needed a few guarantees. Essentially, he wanted an orgy that would never end, but unlike most men of the time, he didn’t use his considerable influence with the primitive local legislative branch to drag yet another one of those Ladies-Beholden-to-Men laws that are so much reviled by modern historians.

    What Moore did, well before wisecrackers came up with laws for microprocessors, was to demand that every Canberran resident be entitled to receive complimentary oral sex on his/her birthday from the handsomest/most beautiful resident of the land. In this way, a certain egalitarian spirit would be shared within the early pre-titular days of Canberra.

    The law, believe it or not, is still on the books. Although it is one of the things that contributed to the self-government backlash of 1978.

    Needless to say, if you’re wondering how I know all this trivia, understand that I held a seance last night, in preparation for Halloween. And Joshua Moore himself answered the call. The first words out of his mouth were “Shauna has a birthday on Halloween where you are. Remember my law!”

    He then laid out everything out here just as I’ve typed in here.

    So from Joshua Moore, happy birthday. But please be sure to take advantage of what’s on the local lawbooks.

  5. Happy Birthday!

    There’s a card on it’s way to you. (I hadn’t forgot, but October’s flown by, so, um, it’ll arrive a little late. ahem.)

    Anyway, hope you’re having a great day, and have a good party!

    😀

  6. I thought it is 7 human years to every dog year. That means you are only 3.5714287142871428…in dog years, Miss Shauny. That’s like young pup.

  7. Happy Birthday Miss Shauny!!

    I would attempt to say something slightly amusing, but it is the end of my day, and my brain is tired, so a simple ‘Happy Birthday’ will have to do!

  8. Happy happy happy, birthday birthday birthday, happy happy birthday, happy happy birthday! Birthday happy happy, happy birthday happy, birthday birthday happy, birthday happy birthday!

    Have a happy one, Miss Shauny. We’ll celebrate proper-like in January, and that’s a promise!

  9. happy HAPPY birthday you sexy fellow scorpio.

    having just turned all old and decreipt and 24, i’ll soon be joining you in that paddock.

  10. Happy birthday, Ms M. I’m astonished at Ed’s prose piece up there and think you ought to paste it into your blog proper, and I can’t write anything to match it, but happy birthday from someone very old indeed.

    May the camel of good fortune climb up your mountain.

  11. Have you ever wondered what to do when you get your birthday gifts and find out everything’s for a Hamster? I mean, say someone gets you a pair of jeans, but they’re HAMSTER-SIZED! What the heck does one do with Hamster-sized jeans? I guess you could get a hamster but then that would defeat the purpose of the gift which was a birthday gift for You! Ahwell, the nuances of life. Happy Birthday my new friend. =P

  12. I thought Canberra meant ‘tits’, anyway. As well as ‘meeting place’.

    I already said Happy Birthday, and I knew I wouldn’t get online yesterday or I would have said it then. But hell I’ll say it again.

    Happy Birthday!

  13. Happy Birthday, Miss S!!

    I wish you hadn’t mentioned the dog years thing, tho… 420 sounds awfully ancient.

  14. Shauny, um….. if you get a box from Indiana, USA
    and it has wet, soggy spots all over it and smells kind of odd – well, it was a lamb.
    tee hee hee

  15. happy happy birthday shauny. my brothers used to call me a dog, and my mum would always say “better a dog than a bone”.

    i still don’t know she meant. so i don’t know why i bothered typing that out, either. uhm… i’ll just pretend that i’m drunk on your birthday champagne.

  16. Happy belated birthday, fellow water-sign. And as I’m a couple weeks shy of a whole decade your senior, I can tell you that you are only as old as you feel… until roundabout 33, when you lose all hipness and ability to stand at a rock shows for long stretches without whining. Enjoy your next 8 years of youth!

  17. Three years? Good lord that’s a long time. In blog years you should be getting a telegram from the Queen! People will start calling you “stalwart”, and “elder stateswoman”.

    But I shall just call you “petal”.

    Happy Birthday, petal. Mwah.

  18. Don’t worry, be happy. (Birthday.)

    (For various thoughts on 25-ness, you could always read my novel… the first chapter, anyway.)

  19. Heh. I’m a scorpio. By like twenty minutes. So I’m a scorpio and a sagittarius. So I’m all moody AND deep. Like, totally, you fuckface.

  20. **sings**you say its your birthday, its my birthday too, yeah.**

    Umm, actualy its my half birthday in a few days….

    I just wanna feel special too….

  21. Happy Birthday…Ooooh. I’m so so much older than you. 25 was the last birthday I got upset over, strangely enough. When the age denial sets in, you’ll stop counting (perhaps…) The more upset you are about turning 19 (I cried), the less upset about turning 35. Well, maybe.

  22. Happy Birthday, Alles Herzlichst Beste zum Geburtstag, Wszystkiego najlepszego w dniu urodzin.
    : )
    Let’s try to blog through the next 50 birthdays.
    Yippiee.

  23. Happy birthday for last Friday, from those other Marshes! Dave (Marsh) has his on Nov 4. He went out on a boat and nearly died in a Perfect Storm remake. Hope yours was equally exciting

  24. Since five thousand seven hundred and twenty-two of your nearest and dearest already have, I won’t say happy birthday, but if you think 25 is old in dog years try thirty-two!

    May we all still be humping legs(or whatever else catches our fancy)when we’re little old curmudgeons.

Comments are closed.