Happy holidays, all you lovely people. The Mothership said they’ve forecast 35′C back home…
We'd sent an ambulance round to a wee old lady who had fallen. I called back later to see how she was faring. "I'm fine now hen," she said with a crumbly giggle. "What happened was, I fell into my Christmas tree." "Crikey!" "There's needles and tinsel everywhere. Will you come over and help me Read More
Ahh, Mr. Photocopier. So we meet again. I have travelled thousands of miles across the seas just to let you spit your inky crap all over my hands. It should have been a brief encounter, I only had ten pages to copy, but the display was shrieking CHANGE TONER. Beside the copier was a sign Read More
This is the sad and sorry tale of what happens when you take obsession and anticipation much too far. When I saw Radiohead live in Sydney in early 1998, I was so euphoric I could barely breathe, and declared I'd happily sell my mother to see them again. Finally six months ago I got tickets Read More
We're still manning the phones on weekends for Scotland's seniors. Many clients have extreme temperature sensors installed, which means we automatically get a call if there is a sudden rise or drop in temperature inside their house. Rhiannon recently had a classic moment with a 95-year-old lady, let's call her Mrs McElderly. RHI: Hello Mrs Read More
Cross-posted to Lost In Transit It was dark when I walked to the bus stop this morning. The full moon was still squatting in the sky as beanie-d people scraped ice from their windscreens. Later on at work, we put up the Christmas decorations. I stood on top of the bosses desk with an armful Read More
MOTHERSHIP: Shauna. Are you sitting down? I have some terrible news. SHAUNA: Oh god. What happened? M: I've had a car accident. S: Oh my god! M: I slammed into a semi-trailer. S: Oh my god! Are you in hospital? M: No, I'm fine! I was only doing 15 km/h! S: Bloody hell, woman! Our Read More
I just can’t get the words out today. I want to be back in Iceland with all that space and nothingness, where the mind emptied then filled right up again with energy and ideas and ridiculous levels of excitement.
So there I was, sitting on a toilet at Edinburgh University, pants around the ankles and feeling confused. Everyone warned me about the Scottish climate. They told me to pack thermal underwear and waterproofs and that I'd leave work in the dark and that it would rain and I'd feel shit. Yeah yeah, I said Read More
So the cops have raided Michael Jackson's house, but they're not yet saying why. My guess is he's getting busted for the misleading the public on the cover of his latest album. Look at that strain on his face, the intense concentration. It's clearly a number two.