All Is Quiet

Bucketloads of beautiful rain on New Years Morning, what else is there to do but to lay in bed listening to the earth suck it up. Except the woman across the courtyard keeps interrupting with her brand new turbo-charged juicing machine. The wet silence is shattered with a nasty, rattling rrrrr! rrrrr! as she sends each hapless fruit and vegetable to its gruesome death. It's a cruel way to go. If I was a carrot or half an orange, I would have looked at the juicing machine and thought, "Well, this looks like fun." Have you seen the latest in these contraptions? They are huge with all manner of shiny surfaces, interesting curves and hollows sticking out everywhere. It looks like a waterslide complex at the local pool. So these sticks of celery are lining up, picking their Speedos out of their arse cracks, thinking this is going to be the ride of their life, thinking they are going to slide down that tunnel screaming "wheeeeeeeee!". But instead the only screams are those of pain as they're flung into the Blades O' Death, violently ground up with watermelon or wheatgrass then spat out the other end into a glass of tasteless muck. Poor bastards.

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.

39 thoughts on “All Is Quiet

  1. Heh. This is why I’m a carnivore.

    Re: the looking shite on a PC thing, it looks fine here on Moz 1.1…

  2. Carrots are bastards anyway. A smart veggie would hear his friends screaming as their lives came to an abrupt end, but noooooooo; carrots are too freakin’ stupid to even listen. What’s with all that orange anyway?

    Stupid carrots.

    Hope you have a good New Year! I am. 🙂

  3. hmmm…juicing machine. i haven’t used one in ages. but as i recall it took about seventeen bushells of fresh produce to create one glass of juice that usually tasted like, well, the muck you would find at the bottom of seventeen bushells of produce.

    i fail to see the logic.

    but if you get off torturing carrots, have at it. let the little orange bastards die.

    happy 2003 from fantasy land here in the states. thanks for sharing. smile lots. and see the world with young eyes.

  4. the wounded kitty pic is symbolic of my current fragile state, you see…

    i was run over by a car the other day… ha ha!

  5. that picture is so fsckin funny 🙂 my forehead vein’s bursting out of my forehead.

    one shotglass worth of wheatgrass juice (extracte, not juiced) is apparently worth a couple of kilograms of vegetable vitamins.

  6. if you want to respond to mister comments request for resizability, just add a resizable feature to the main page code in this section..,

    if only it were that easy 🙂

  7. My cat looks just like that that after he unfortunatly came and poked my face to get his breakfast on wednesday morning.

    Well…at least he has a few lives left.

  8. Funnily enough, I’m currently chewing on my roommate’s kitten’s arm. In fact, I provided Shauny with the picture. Gotta love pets. They taste great over a spigot.

  9. “violently ground up with watermelon or wheatgrass then spat out the other end into a glass of tasteless muck.”

    Well, if it’s got wheatgrass in it, it won’t be tasteless, will it? It will taste like wheatgrass.

    Or, to put it another way, like year-old monkey shit.

  10. Agreed, wheatgrass is vile. A friend who swore by it made me try it once. No matter how good it is for you, the taste isn’t worth it.

  11. I SAY, wheatgrass is an acquired taste, like tuaca and Marmite.
    Fucken vegetables. Deserve what they get. Fucken. Fucken two-day hangover.

  12. *g* suicide celery. someone said celery’s just giant dental floss anyway.

    hey, nice new pic. must be a cat that lives with small children!

  13. Damn Shauny, I said I was sorry!
    If you would learn to stagger around drunk on the sidewalk instead of the two-lane I might have missed you!
    Really though – my Gawd that was brilliant.
    such spectacular imagery over a vegetable juicer. I want to write like you when I grow up!

  14. Emeril last night said celery is better if you peel it (cut the strings off the back). Then he fried it with shallots and lobster or something…

    Juicers are for juicers. Especially turbo-juicers.

  15. see, juicers were LAST year’s christmas present – as in the christmas of 2001. we got one then and only bothered our neighbours with it once.

    i say go over there with your own fruit concoction and ask for it to be juiced. you don’t have to clean the freakin’ thing, so it’s a good idea!

  16. Ahhh, there you go.

    Wine bottle coolers were this years (as in 2002) Xmas present of choice it seemed, and non-buzzy for a change. If you could find any of the bloody things.

    I saw them in a catalogue and I thought, “a-ha! I’ll get that for B.A.S.I.L.”, but all the stores had ran out of them by the time I got my skinny arse out to do the shopping on the Saturday prior to the big day.

    So I had to get them a picnic cutlery backpack thing instead, which they liked, at least better than what they got me, which was a book on 9/11. Yeah.

    (Hey, if Ed can do the voluminous comment thing, so should I.)

  17. [eartha kitt]The new design is purrrrr-fect, darling[/eartha kitt]

    After that post, by the way, I don’t know that I can ever face a waterslide again. I now realize it’s how they’re making that Soylent Green everyone is talking about.

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