Bucketloads of beautiful rain on New Years Morning, what else is there to do but to lay in bed listening to the earth suck it up. Except the woman across the courtyard keeps interrupting with her brand new turbo-charged juicing machine. The wet silence is shattered with a nasty, rattling rrrrr! rrrrr! as she sends each hapless fruit and vegetable to its gruesome death. It's a cruel way to go. If I was a carrot or half an orange, I would have looked at the juicing machine and thought, "Well, this looks like fun." Have you seen the latest in these contraptions? They are huge with all manner of shiny surfaces, interesting curves and hollows sticking out everywhere. It looks like a waterslide complex at the local pool. So these sticks of celery are lining up, picking their Speedos out of their arse cracks, thinking this is going to be the ride of their life, thinking they are going to slide down that tunnel screaming "wheeeeeeeee!". But instead the only screams are those of pain as they're flung into the Blades O' Death, violently ground up with watermelon or wheatgrass then spat out the other end into a glass of tasteless muck. Poor bastards.