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Quiveringly Rare

Don’t get me wrong, I love Nigella Lawson and her magnificent rack. But I am increasingly irritated by her over-the-top commentary. Just cook the damn FOOD, woman!

Last night she dished up a black rice concoction with prawns and chili. She wanted me to behold the “marvellous black pearls of rice studded with ruby chillies”. For a vegetarian variation, she invited you to try it with some “soft, jade hunks of avocado”.

Next she bunged a bit of marinated steak on the BBQ, black on the outside but moo-ing within, chopped it up and called it a “quiveringly-rare, plateful of spice-seared, ruby-fleshed rags”.

To finish off, her limoncello-drenched trifle featured blackberries “peeking through their blanket of mascarpone cream”.

Her flowery descriptions are making me long for the last series, with her patented deep-throat taste testing of elongated vegetables. She seems determined to make the even the most unremarkable foods sound gloriously decadent and sensuous. Perhaps she cut a deal with some farmers, “Luv, if you can make this here cabbage sexy, we will keep you in bosom-hugging twinsets for life”.

You can just imagine her brushing her teeth at night, whipping her tongue over her choppers and marvelling, “The pristine minty freshness of toothpaste evokes memories of prancing barefoot through a meadow in the summertime.” Or buying new tyres for her car, she’d be groping each one like a ripe melon and purring, “The charcoal curves, the tangy aroma of rubber; the deep and twisting tunnels of the tread, how they surround the shiny wheel like a lovers embrace.”

NIGELLA UPDATE:  Last night, when chopping up a watermelon, she said, “Make sure the pieces are big but not so big you can’t fit it them your mouth”… then she paused and gave the camera a saucy look, “Not that it would be a problem for me!”. Rhi and I shrieked, “YOU DIRTY BITCH!” in unison.

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


65 thoughts on “Quiveringly Rare

  1. My other half got upset that, after watching this show for 2 years, I still cannot cook. It was only after she pointed out the kitchen and the food that I relalised it was a cooking programme.

  2. Wowee. I’ve obviously been watching the wrong cooking shows. There’s nothing to ogle on “Iron Chef”… except the fabulous hairstyle and Liberace-like wardrobe of the host of the show.

    I agree with you about the steak. There’s nothing worse than watching someone serve way, way, WAY rare steak that is basically tartare. Cook the damn steak all the way through!

    (Note: I don’t mean well done, just COOK it.)

  3. Shauny, I like the notion that soon you’ll be the #1 result on a Google search for “Nigella Lawson’s magnificent rack.”

  4. She doesn’t HAVE a ‘rack’, as you so indelicately put it.

    ‘Rack’ is so VERY working-class. Rather, she no doubt has… succulent, fleshy… um… globes… of dusky… erm… sweetness. Or something.

    I’m not very good at this, you know. You’d have to ask her.

    Anyway, it still freaks me out that she used to go out with Geoffrey Robertson. I can only imagine the sort of sweaty, lust-filled “hypotheticals” they got up to…

  5. If Nigella Lawson was to write a novel, would the result consistute a weapon of mass destruction?

    Her attempts to use – or even just formulate – those kinds of flowery descriptions just sounds ghastly. I haven’t actually watched her, or listened to her, or read anything she may have written, but would I be right in understanding that she seems to think that the way to do those kinds of descriptions, with metaphores and whatever, is just a matter of getting the superficial appearance of literary descriptions? That she doesn’t actually get it, that it’s s’posed to be that the descriptions actually capture whatever it is she’s wishing to convey? If she was to have a go at, say, using mathematical descriptions, rather than trying to be sort of literary, would she come up with things that look like equations, with fancy symbols and stuff, but which would turn out to be just ridiculous sequences of symbols that, even when mathematically correct, convey nothing more than, say, ‘2+2=4’, when 2+2=4 is already what’s known, and nothing new is being expressed? Would she also speak of ‘attacking the soft underbelly’, as if that means she’s being tough and uncompromising, ‘pulling no punches’? I’m rather hoping that this is the case, ’cause I do enjoy hating that kind of pretentiousness 🙂

  6. For some reason, i’m addicted to cooking shows, but the thing that shits me more than her wanker photography teacher wordy shit; IS:

    She won’t tie her fucking hair back.

    ‘you’re cooking slut, tie your fucking hair back.’

    It frustrates the living shit out of me.

  7. Her rack is so-so… she’s a bit too mutton-dressed-as-lamb a little, I think. At least, there is a fair bit of vaseline-lensed production involved.

    But then, she is married to that Saatchi bastard, isn’t she? Which would mean that she probably doesn’t care a fig about my racktacular observationals.

  8. Can’t really see the picture–I’ll take your word for it. I like a good rack as much as the next girl but I hate to be made to feel inadequate about my cooking abilities.

  9. Oh, Nigella.

    I haven’t seen the new series, but I remember the first time I watched her. She was doing that rare meat trick; the noises that woman made as she swiped a piece of bloody meat through a good hollandaise (I think?) it was pornographic! My other half and I sat pointing our open mouths in the tv’s general direction. One could totally be forgiven for not noticing the food.

    She is rather… um stacked… to use another vulgar phrase.

  10. hmm, yes, “dusky fleshy globes” does sound more nigella than “rack”.

    i used to read her beauty column in the times. hardly wear makeup but i liked her style. sounds as though she’s veering into ridiculosity now though.

  11. I don’t watch her show anymore, but I’ll never forget when I saw it for the first time on a transatlantic flight from Atlanta to Italy.

    I remember her tasting something, and placing the food tenderly between those luscious lips. I thought, “That’s it, all other cooking shows are going to be off the air now.”

    I mean, who wouldn’t want to look at her? And what’s more, who wouldn’t want her to cook for you?

    But it ultimately comes down to the fact that I would rather eat Jamie Oliver’s or Mario Batelli’s food, so I watch their shows. There are only so many Tivo hours in week, you know.

  12. learning how to cook watching TV is like learning how to F**k watching porno.

    Looks like sex sells over there just as it does here. My only question is, how did we get stuck with Martha Stuart?

  13. slackjaw: Because no one wanted to sleep with Martin Yan, Graham Kerr or that obnoxious Italian guy. However, strangely enough, I always wanted to drink with Graham Kerr, at least the Kerr back in the Galloping Gourmet days.

  14. That’s a good point, Otis. Her butt is even better than the chest. It is just perfect.

    Like a gently rising souffle in the morning dew.

    2FL’s were funny old broads, I miss that show.

  15. Ooooohh, that ITALIAN guy!

    *SMACKSMACKSMACK!*

    He needs a good WOOP upside the head! I’d like to take that ponytail of his and….ahh never mind.

    I would agree with your assesment of GK, I always thought he was the kind of guy you’d want to invite over for dinner.

  16. I hate to explain a joke, because it’s not funny any more, but I believe Miss Shauny’s use of the word ‘Rack’ was something of a double entendre. Rack as in colloquial for boobs, and Rack as in ‘of lamb’. pssh. Give the girl more credit.

  17. perhaps …

    melon-eous orbs of honeydewed splendour nestling sumptuously in a teensy-tight twinset

    as an alternative to ‘rack’?

    you’re right. nigella is hot. vaselined lens or not.

  18. Nigella, I mean.

    By the way, Shauna, your comments box doesn’t want to remember my details, no matter how often I tick the ‘Remember info?’ box down there. What gives?

  19. Magnificent rack eh? I must tune in next episode. However she wont replace the love of my life, Jody Rigby.

  20. FARK. It’s still remembering my old cookie. What the hell?!

    I have no freaking idea why it won’t remember info. It won’t work for the bitches blogs either. I even compared my code with the MT Default Templates. So it beats me. I am officially too stupid for MT. BWAHHAHAHA!*

    * that is the sound of maniacal laughter. let me do that again. BWHAHAHHAA!

  21. This is why I now submit myself to the lesser man’s MT, aka Greymatter 😛

    By the way, my gay lover has committed mutiny from our relationship. The last I heard, he was visiting you for the weekend. Please send him back by return post. Beware: he dances like J-Lo when prevoked.

  22. Alas, I didn’t actually get the rack double-entendre, but that’s because I know so little about cooking. And because I’ve never watched Nigella Lawson. I even tried to remember if ‘rack’ is, as I suspected, a term used in reference to large parts of dead animals (rib cages kept coming to mind). Also in my deliberations (which lasted a good several seconds), I wondered if, perhaps, Nigella had a magnificent spice rack in her televisual kitchen. Or maybe a tea-towel rack, or plate rack, or some other kitcheny rack.

    So ignorant am I when it comes to cookery type things that I can’t even remember who it was, my brother or me, who, in school woodwork lessons, made the spice rack in our kitchen.

    I do know what a kitchen cupboard is, though.

  23. Okay, first off, why the hell do you get sweet, sweet boobies and we in the US get stuck with Julia Child’s hunched-back arse?

    …I shudder to think about anyone sampling her soft jade hunks…ewwww…

    Secondly, I disagree with one Mr. Slackjaw’s comment that insinuated that somehow learning to copulate from porn is somehow a lesser practice. My associate MB and myself have often discussed this very concept, and we concur that it is not only a good idea, but it also works very well, as our significant others have never given us any complaints.

  24. I must out Shauny…I have heard her use rack in conversation that was non-food related, but related to boobs. Busted!

  25. Lamely unfunny but legitimately Nigella-related fact: I used a Nigella recipe for dinner last night, for Scallops and Bacon. I had to make it because it just sounded so damned unhealthy I figured it had to be good. It was perfectly delicious, though it’s so rich I don’t think I’ll be making it again for a while. Those interested can find the recipe — which is pretty easy, although it requires purchasing both scallops and sherry, not usually stuff I have in the fridge —
    here

  26. A little like with Jamie O, I can’t help but watch Nigella with a kind of fascinated lust meets disgust. Leave out the lust bit, but I reckon if Michael Jackson did a cooking show it would be the BEST crappest thing on television.

  27. Vaguely related useless trivia:

    ‘Rack’ is the term used for a bed in the Navy. The first time we ever had a room inspection the senior officer came around, looked at the folded clothes, looked at the immaculately made bed, looked at me and said “Very nice Rack!”
    I nearly slapped him! One of my friends had to explain it to me later….man, did I feel dumb!
    Ok, finished with irrelevant info…

  28. I agree that Nigella has gone a bit over the top this series;)

    Her adjectives pepper every sentence.

    I still have to watch though. It might have something to do with me being a male.

    Her first book (how to eat) is an excellent read, although fairly english in focus. Sort of a technical cookbook with some interesting recipies (equivalent of Stephanie Alexanders book but for the UK). I don’t seem to use her book as much as others though. Jamie O, while doing a large number of English staples, also seems to do a bit more asian food – which I seem to cook more of.

    Nevertheless, the woman can seriously cook and who cares what age she is, she looks fabulous. Part of the attraction is she looks like she may actually eat some of her cooking.

    Cheers

  29. love the nige. thankfully, i was introduced to her through the purchase of “how to be a domestic goddess” and later on “how to eat”, not that i really need too much help for either…
    everything that i’ve made from domestic goddess has been so over the top amazingly wonderfully deluxe, that i’m well and truly a sucker for anything ms lawson writes. DG is the most beautiful book – gorgeously designed, photographed, written, and those trashy retro photos on the inner sleeve have stolen my heart.
    *sigh*
    the woman rocks.
    then i saw the teev show. holy sheeeeet. suffice to say, a male director has had a few words with her, eh? i mean, she was always into the camp, trashy side of things, but oy…it is just a tad over the top.
    ‘scuse me while i go back to the books (and steal a few recipies for my own recipe archive on gusset, which i need to get werkin’ on…)

  30. Those of us in the US shouldn’t be stuck watching Martha on Food TV if we have access to the Style Network. I’ve been enjoying Nigella’s show for a while now. Perhaps some folks aren’t aware of this yet because it’s a bit counterintuitive to go looking for a steamy cooking show on a network associated with fashion, as opposed to food or sex.

  31. in further nigella news, i saw her interviewed the other night, she is devastatingly intelligent as well as impossibly gorgeous. Sigh.

    also, young Scotty has been bitten by the nigella bug too.

  32. Just looked up my name on the net and found you guys. Ha Ha HA I dont have a rack as good as Nigella but thanks for the ego boost all the same. I dont think Ill get around to digging anyones roots I have enough plants to put in as it is.

  33. Nigella’s boobs are the best! I wish I could grab them or suck them. Her Boobs are big.

  34. Nigella’s boobs are the best! I wish I could grab them or suck them. Her Boobs are big.

  35. I’D FUCK NIGELLA UP THE SHITTER THEN SPIN HER OVER AND EXPLODE MY FAT ALL OVER THOSE BIG FUCKIN TITS!! THEN I’D GET HER TO COOK ME A LASAGNE.WITH SOME OF MY JIZ IN IT!!!!!….THEN I’D MAKE THE DIRTY CUNT EAT IT!! CHAMONE!

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