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Bono Oh No

After five years of singledom, I think my mother is ready to start dating again.

MOTHERSHIP: You know, I really think I am starting to like that Bono bloke.

SHAUNA: That’s nice.

M: He’s done some good work lately, you know. Third world debt and all that.

S: Indeed.

M: I wouldn’t mind having dinner with Bono.

M: I wouldn’t mind getting to know Bono a little better.

M: And I wouldn’t mind…

S: Please stop talking!

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


42 thoughts on “Bono Oh No

  1. *giggle* when your mother has married into the world of the rich and famous, remember us little people won’t cha? 😛

  2. hehe.. I hope you’re not emotionally scarred now by any unwanted mental images your mother may have prompted!

    In comparison, my mother, last night, started going on about Catherine Zeta Jones. I just had to keep telling myself, ‘Every woman regards Catherine Zeta Jones as gorgeously, classily beautiful, etc. It’s normal, and doesn’t mean my mother wants to sh.. sh.. sha.. Every woman regards…’

  3. Simon, it’s true. CZJ is gorgeously, classily beeyootiful. My mum and I are both obsessed with her. It means nothing. 🙂

  4. Oh-oh-woh, the sweetest thing, if he gives you spending money for Scotland. But maybe Peter Garrett is more likely; he’s not doing anything now, is he?

  5. Hold Me! Thrill Me! Kiss Me!
    kill me?…
    hmm…
    (Sweetest Thing…)

    I forgot to mention, one of the older gentlemen at the diner counter yesterday stated simply: “The Irish are the best educated nation in the world.” So there you have it. Go Bono!, our Irish friend…
    (I personally would like to have “The Edge” as a jammin’ buddy.)

  6. the song would have been better if it wasn’t used on the batman soundtrack. every time i hear it, i am reminded of men in tights. doesn’t do it for me!

  7. Sorry, but I’m going to have to opt for Catatonia’s Cerys Matthews, whose quirky Welsh voice has been driving me wild the last two weeks. I have only scant visual information on Ms. Matthews, but it doesn’t matter. I’d have no objection if she were to hop into my bed and purr into my ear, not dissimilar to what she’s been doing lately.

    I have a love-hate relationship with The Plastic Bono Band. But the idea of Bono giving me a blowjob is a thought well beyond repellent. Discounting my own obverse sexual preferences, his greasy hair, sunglasses and leather jacket in contact with my Rick Schroeder (or anyone’s) is a combination that not even the best erotica writers can come to reasonable terms with.

    For one thing, there’s the Nobel connection and the fact that the award has been tarnished. Certainly the last thing anyone needs when receiving oral sex is a man trying to convince you to pay more attention to Uganda.

    BONO: (wrapping lips around Paul O’ Neil’s Once Lil John): Mmmmm…yeah….come with me to Africa…mmmm….

    O’NEIL: Ugh…ugh…I didn’t ask you…ugh…didn’t ask you to give me..ohhhh..that feels good. Besides I’m…

    BONO: Sshhhh. Oh! Oh! Yeah, shove it in my mouth. Mmmm…they’re starving! Oh!

    O’NEIL: I’m the Secretary…yeah, that’s it! I’m the Secretary of the Treasury, not a…mmm…consulate.

    BONO: I want to…mmm….go with the man with the money…mmm…know what I’m saying, Paul? Oh! Not in my face!

    O’NEIL: Will you wear your sunglasses? Oh!

    BONO: Yeah.

    [explicit climax scene deleted; O’Neil agrees to go to Africa with Bono.]

  8. Weirdly, much as I disliked “Batman Forever” I love the soundtrack, provided you skip the Brandy and Seal contributions. Ick.

    It also has otherwise unanthologised Nick Cave and Mazzy Star material not used in the film. (WTF?)

    Anyway, though it’s the way I got made, I don’t want images of my mothership and anyone, Dude of Peace or not, doing that … that …

    Excuse me while I go scrub my brain out.

  9. Bloody hell Ed!

    Vivid…..very very vivid…..

    Nice post Shauny….my mum fantasises about Sean Connery in a similar way.

    I’m sure she’s made my dad put on the accent and call her ‘Moneypenny’ at some stage.

    *shudder*

  10. My mum adores Diver Dan from Seachange. (That’s Faramir in The Two Towers for non-aussies.) I’m sure he has a name. She gets all spazzy and dreamy-eyed when he’s on the screen. I’d much prefer him as a stepdad than Bono, tho.

    Erk, Ed, erk.

  11. Diver Dan = David Wenham. He’s the uncle of a friend of mine. Six degrees and all that.

    There is one very simple way to cure her thoughts on him, though – have her watch The Boys. It’s terrifying, has an utterly amazing soundtrack (by The Necks) and if she still thinks he’s horny after that, you should run as fast as your Monkeylegs will carry you.

  12. Mothership…Bono…I think many of your mother’s inspiring thoughts could form the basis of a huge creative output for Bono. She may be the key to the U2 revival.

  13. A friend of mine (Tim the Musician) once paused to ponder a question of masturbation. Out loud, he asked himself, “Does my mother? Hmmm. I wonder if she does.” He seemed disturbingly undisturbed.

    Hands up all those who dread having to sort through their parents’ personal possessions when they’ve passed away, for fear of coming across appliances and the like.

  14. I, for the record, fucking hate U2. I’m just sick of everything from Pop onwards. Remember the semi homo erotic throbfest ‘discotech’? Since the dismal load of wank that was the tour which followed that sham, they’ve returned to seminal stadium, paint by numbers rock.

    ‘Stuck in a moment’ anyone?

    Bono = tosser.

    I reckon I could write a U2 song in about ten minutes…..it’s 2:37 am…start the clock.

    Mothership (My Struggle)

    In the dawn, I roll over,
    to greet the face, of my casanova.
    Read the memories, her face is showing,
    Stop mid-line, because, she is going.
    To teach the kids, the future of … another day…

    Call her daughter, shauna, hasn’t left yet,
    I’d like her emcee, my latest benefit.
    I make some calls, to Koffi Annan,
    Trying to ensure, the US is disarmed
    It’s hard being me, a pointless … wanker…

    She’s here, with me, in this broken heart,
    She’s fuelled the passion, of this new start.

    (climatic stings and gospel chants)

    (chorus)
    The Irish King of pop, a monarch, of melody,
    My struggle to save the world, from, calamity,
    Then when I forget, why I’m, the saviour,
    Swimming in a torent, of left wing, favour
    If I feel there’s someone else, I’d rather be,
    My mothership comes sailing back to me.
    (My mothership comes sailing back to me)

    (repeat to fade)

    *sheds tear*

    ….and stop that clock….. 3:00 am. Okay, so it took 20 minutes, but that ode to a:
    ‘distant love with a spendthrift primary teacher’ is a certainty to top the charts.

  15. I AAAM in LUV with the Mothership. Sorry Shauny but it’s true…She moves in mysterious ways you know…

  16. OK. So you want five remixes on one disc for that, Scotty, or we gonna go with the fleece-the-punter 2CD set? Ker-ching!

  17. Kudos to the mothership for still having and openly acknowledging her urges. Now all she has to do is find someone else to share them with…. I think I might have died, had my mother said that.

    You poor, sainted thing.

  18. We got a new Web Marshal at work and boy is it stupid! it is interesting to see what upsets it.
    I got into WNP with no problems, but as soon as I clicked on the *comments *for this latest blog it went bananas! “Ugh! Porno! Masturbation! etc etc etc…
    Oh great…

  19. Hey Scott-Maybe you could WRITE the song but could you sing all maudlin-like the way they do? That’s their secret I believe.

    –Fellow U2 hater. (However, when Johnny Cash sang one of their songs I realized it wasn’t 1/2 bad.)

    I think only the mothership can give them the inspiration they need to move past the sap.

  20. Hello Shauny,

    I’ve been a frequent visitor to your site for the past year or so. After all this time I just just wanted to say hi and thanks for some really wonderful writing and also good luck on your impending trip. It’s really great what you’re doing. With all your talent I’m sure you will excel and succeed wherever you end up. Please keep on posting on your adventure! I’ll miss you.

    Karie

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