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Wedding Part I

I woke up cucumber cool and dead keen to get down the aisle. Gareth, on the other hand, wandered round the hotel room singing, “Whacking Day, O Whacking Day!”. It’s one of my favourite songs from The Simpsons, but it troubled me that this was Gareth’s tune du jour. Was it because “Whacking Day” has the same number of syllables as “Wedding Day”, or something more disturbing? Was he comparing his impending nuptials to being clubbed over the head with a big stick?

I was too busy being vain and obnoxious to be nervous. Ladies, if you’ve ever thought of eloping, consider a few things. Are you capable of dressing yourself? Can you apply mascara on without smearing the wand across your nose? Can you remember to break in your shoes before the day of the wedding? Can you do up your own frock, or do you need five people to hold down your guts while a sixth hauls up the zipper? If not, you should go the traditional route, i.e. with bridesmaids and mothers and make-up artists and hairdressers – also known as PERSONAL SLAVES. These people will remind you unpick that wedgie or powder your shiny nose before the photos. They will give you Something Blue so you don’t have to write it on your foot with a pen. They provide the brains on the big day, so you don’t have to climb onto a hotel room sink and batter your head against the mirror like a moth as you try to apply eyeshadow under a fluorescent strip while shrieking, “My eyes! My eyes! I can’t see my DAMN EYES in this DAMN LIGHT!”.

They would also make sure you didn’t get married with just one earring. Somewhere on the journey from our room to the Inclinator (the Luxor elevators that run on a diagonal down the side of the pyramid), I lost one of mine. It was only £4 worth of earring, but they were long and dangly and foxy, dammit! I made Gareth crawl around on the pharaoh-patterned carpet for ten minutes to no avail. Cue Bridal Hissyfit.

“Great! ONE DAY of my life I need to be classy. Why not just ONE DAY?”

“Just wear one earring!” said Gareth, ever-tolerant. “You’ll be totally punk, like Cyndi Lauper or something.”

“Bah!”

I finally stopped grumbling when we got into a taxi and headed down the Strip. We zoomed past our fake Pyramid, the fake Statue of Liberty, the fake Eiffel Tower, the fake Venice. With every tacky landmark my grin got bigger. I was about to marry the love of my life in the most ridiculous town on earth. Rawk! The chapel was in downtown Vegas, conveniently located between a seedy motel and an establishment that promised HOTT NAKED CHICKS!

To be continued! When my brain works!

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


23 thoughts on “Wedding Part I

  1. Double woohoo! She’s back and she’s a Bloggie finalist as well as a married woman.

    Missed you.

    The last time I wore earrings, exactly the same thing happened to me. I’m convinced it’s still lurking in the leafmould on the path where I lost it. What’s your remaining earring like? Maybe it would match mine…

    And I think mascara KNOWS when it would be really inconvenient to get it on your nose, and gets there deliberately. It’s heartless stuff.

  2. Now tharrs a happy scotsman! hehehe, he’s such a cutey.

    I get my mascara on my nose AND in my hair. winn0r!

  3. awesome – hott naked chicks
    now that is classy!
    the whole thing is just tooo cool fa school!!!
    you guys totally rawk!

  4. Heh. You did well under the circumstances! Nobody remembered something blue for me, and I HAD ‘personal slaves’. They were too busy drinking champagne. At least you had a blue pen 😉

  5. Eh, I lost an earring in the carpet at the daycare where I work. I’m just glad no baby swallowed it!! I found it three days later. Many, many congrats to you both – Vegas is the coolest place on earth! I’m looking forward to reading more…

  6. ahhh…. the wedding day madness….

    strikes even though you’re only getting hitched because of the party…..

    strikes despite being exhausted from the buffet preparations the night before…

    strikes even while you’re frantically trying to remove green and smelly (possibly dead?) buck’s party guests from the living room
    (including the bridegroom) ….

    I’ll be eternally grateful for the guest who arrived first, found me bouncing up and down like a hysterical ping pong ball and forced a glass of champers down my gullet.

    Had a loooooovely wedding after that…

    And yes, throughout the day I had to be carefully instructed by the pros (ie. the women) where to stand and what to sign and that admiring your ring is all good and well, but that photos had to be taken and that guests were getting hungry…. no brains left, whatsoever!

    Congrats again and I’m glad you’re back. Can’t wait for part 2!

  7. Will you stop being so damned funny? What’s a guy to do when no matter how laughable his daily experiences (and more often than not epiphanies) seem to him he can’t come close to the roaring grandeur of WNP??? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr! Enough I say! 🙂

  8. thanks you groovers up there!

    all this extra bloggie traffic is freaking me out!!! i know it will be gone in a couple of days but tis still freaky! yet the comments are quietish! please don’t go silent you regulars, i am not going to be up myself or anything! i am still the same dickhead!!!

  9. HeeeheeehooohooooooooHAAAAAAAA! Magic.

    I thought I was the only spaz that does the mirror head-butt thing and gets mascara on my nose! I’m having problems with my tenses there.

    Your day sounds sublime … SO FAR. Please, missus, some more?

  10. I think it’s only the dangley earrings that get lost, mine did that too. And they were my only pair, and oh so pretty. *sigh* That’s okay though, I got em on sale. So ha, earrings! Take that.

  11. Ha ha – I always said if I got hitched for the second time that I’d elope! My last experience (and only previous) – one of my slaves mutinied and cancelled cake and flowers a week before the wedding – the Pirhanna as I now refer to her, was also my sis in law to be! People take weddings so personally you’d think it’s their own – at least you didn’t have tiara tantrums (unless you wanted one for yourself – entitled!) 🙂 Congratulations it sounds like it was a great day!

  12. been there, so done that (having lost my Norwegian wedding ring in the bowels of the Bergen police HQ)…So what is so stunning about your Aussie blog? *sigh*

  13. Ach,

    I could not resist this temptation, Shauny … Back to the kitchen, oops the garden! ;p

    Gardening in her undies is now out-of-bounds for one young Scot Asbowatch V: War on a G-string

  14. Heh, I love your something blue. Much classier than the blue bra strap I had hanging out from my frock in the photos you DIDN’T see…

    And who doesn’t want a wedding with HOTT NAKED CHICKS! I bummed I didn’t have them at mine!

    Congratulations and I can’t wait to hear the rest.

  15. Fabulous! Hot Nekked Chicks and all!

    There’s definitely something about the level of tackiness in Las Vegas that it surpasses tack and becomes it’s own brand of classy.

    We want part II!!!

  16. I just slid my eyes sideways to your Flickr Random Photos and was astonished to recognise the big Euro sign outside that shiny tower block in Frankfurt. You were in Frankfurt in 2003? How did I miss that? I wasn’t there in 2003, but 2002 and 2004, yes. Have also walked past that shop with the name that would certainly come under “Questionable Content” if I typed it, which is the photo after the big Euro sign, and am not surprised that it came up on the Shauny radar…

    2003 seems like a long time ago. Longer ago than, say, 2001…

  17. hi Shauny,

    I’ve been a reader for years. I have loved reading about all your adventures – and your writing makes everything sound like an adventure! My best wishes to you two.

    Karie

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