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Local Knowledge

My boss called today from Melbourne. It was 1.30AM and he was just back from the rugby. He sounded disgustingly happy, what with his attending of sporting events, his bicycle ride down by the Yarra, his catching of trams. Then he dashed off because he needed to be up early for the start of the triathlon. Hmmmph. The boss is at the Games as part of the Glasgow 2014 bid team. I'd pleaded most pathetically for months to be allowed to tag along. Because not only am I a tops secretary, I'm a tops Australian secretary. I can speak the language, dammit! And what if he needed a REALLY IMPORTANT LETTER typed in the middle of the night? What if he couldn't figure out how to use Australian photocopiers? But my begging was all for nothing. Well if he finds himself in a 7-Eleven in the middle of the night, totally starving and not knowing which chocolate bar to buy, he'll be sorry I wasn't there with my native expertise. Tonight the BBC took a few English athletes for a hot air balloon ride over Melbourne. The sunrise, the gum trees, the lovely skyscrapers; it all made me feel funny inside. I went from thinking, "Aww, nice fluff piece" to big fat homesick tears in about two minutes. On a lighter note, can someone tell me what the bloody hell Condoleeza Rice is doing at the Commonwealth Games? Why is she chatting to Ian Thorpe? And what is she pointing at?

the finger

My theory is America is about to annexe the Commonwealth. Look at the guy sitting behind Thorpie, he's just figured out her plans.

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


26 thoughts on “Local Knowledge

  1. I think it’s the British Consulate … and he’s wondering how long it’ll be before the Yanks decide to simply annex Mother England as a colony.

    (just kidding, of course)

  2. CR: “…and then touch your nose with your finger, and you’ll go cross-eyed!”

    Bloke: “Fascinating…”

    Great post – made me chuckle.

  3. I can’t figure it out either. Not only was Condoleeza watching the games but she also handed out the medals for the 50m women’s breaststroke! On a lighter note she visited the troops at Victoria Barracks, one of the men was asked if he was impressed about her visit and he was quoted as saying that he would have been more impressed if it had been OPRAH !

  4. Rice is saying, “How come Canada is at the Commonwealth Games? I thought they were the northermost state of America.” Thorpey’s gone into a daze and wishes he was talking about boots. The guy behind Rice is wondering if anyone would notice if he pashed Thorpey.

  5. Condy: It was only bronchitis this time, but next time it’ll be Anthrax!!!!!!
    we want gold, damn you!

    Guy behind Th0rpey is wondering if Thorpey would notice if he pashed Thorpey

  6. Condy: So was Grant Hackett’s penis is only this big?

    Dude Behind: I wonder if Thorpey needs some extra hair gel…

  7. I found this:

    Secretary Rice in Sydney Australia
    U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is in Sydney for a three day Australia visit highlighted by security talks with her Australian and Japanese counterparts.

    The Secretary of State says the United States wants China to become a “responsible stakeholder” in the international system. She says to do so Beijing needs to be more transparent about its military buildup, which U.S. officials say includes a 14 percent increase in defense spending this year.

    The Secretary made the comments during a day of talks with Australian leaders, including Prime Minister John Howard and Foreign Minister Alexander Downer. They focused on regional issues, including the rise of China in the global economy and political scene.

    Secretary Rice delivered at speech to students at the Sydney Conservatorium of Music and attended a formal dinner at Kirribilli House with the Prime Minister of Australia, The Hon. John W. Howard.

    *shrugs*

  8. Rice is in Australia to tell Howard that we must sell our uranium to India.

    Initially, Howard had said no, because India has not signed the non-proliferation treaty.

    But Rice is here to remind us that we must do as the U.S. says. They want to arm India to the teeth as leverage against rogue Pakistan.

    Hope this clears things up, Shauny.

  9. Nah, she went on tv JUST before this to show her working out, yes? And then suddenly, and for no good reason, is at the Commonwealth Games? And just HAPPENS to be talking to Thorpey?
    It’s obvious: she, too, is designing her own range of underwear and needs his help. Thorpe has the professionalism to blank, while the guy behind him is transfixed as she draws her ideas of the “Condi-Girdle-Gusset” (TM) in the air…

  10. I dunno what she is saying but I suspect that she drew the short straw and so got the job of taking the big key to Canberra and winding the Prime Miniature up and setting him go.

    It’s a dirty job but someone has to do it.

  11. That’s exactly right polx -basically for all you folks out there who are not Australian – we have a “YES” man who I affectionately refer to as Johnny “no balls” “pigmy” Howard running the country.

    I love it when Bush’s cronnies come to visit Australia – just to confirm that we have a wonderful relationship. Excellent. I can take comfort in the knowledge that Johnny No Balls and George Dubya have stuck a dirty big target on Australia. F’ers.

  12. You are not missing much here Shauny. Sure there’s a lot of nice stuff going on but it’s impossible to get to it with all the road closures OR when you get there it’s deserted and lacking a bit in the old people-factor because you are the only one who made it through.

    Besides, the medal tally is now just downright embarassing. If I see THREE Australian flags ina row again above the winners podium I’ll puke. Where the bloody hell is everyone else?

  13. and the coverage is crappy.. didn’t get to hear any of the scots talk after they won races. or anyone but australians for that matter.
    David carry..pretty nice…

  14. thanks for clearing that up, o knowledgable folks!

    and faith, i agree, it is almost embarassing. luckily over here i am too busy screaming at the telly when the BBC presenters slag off the Aussies AGAIN to be embarrased at the gold rush!

    at least one of them said last night she had fallen in love with Melbourne. it IS a tops place and makes me proud seeing it on the telly. meanwhile i hope people in Nth Queensland are doing okay! Deary me…

    oh Fifi, i am with you on David Carry! bit of orright he is 🙂

  15. So what exactly do these British media people say? I’m curious how they can slag off the Aussies more than the bastard commentators here have slagged off the Aussie Men’s Swim Team – I think Ken Sutcliffe was almost embarrassed to be seen on TV with these fickle bastards.

    Melbourne rocks. My town that created all the bass sounds. Best pub and sport culture in the world.

  16. Condoleeza has put Thorpey into a trance. This is part II of the evil plan to steal him into the American team. She is saying “321 now you’re into a trance. You will stand up and pledge allegiance to the flag. You will swim for the american team and break all these people like guitars!”
    They succeeded with part I already, putting anthrax or some other biological weapon to prevent him from swimming.
    The plot thickens!

  17. Is this that remake of “The Manchurian Candidate”?*

    CR: And that’s where you’ll be with a sniper rifle to take out the Queen.

    Guy Behind: Oh shit, I forgot the sniper rifle!

    * Way back in the past I misheard that film’s title as “The Mancunian Candidate”.

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