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Fryer Truck

Just when I thought I'd discovered all the delightful things there was to discover about Scottish cuisine, this purple chariot appeared in our driveway on Saturday night.

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"Is this some sort of Mr Whippy van?" I asked Gareth, peering out the window in confusion. "Aye! Except everything's deep fried!" They weren't playing Greensleeves, but the pungent scent of shrivelled chunks of potato was enough to lure the neighbours out onto the street clutching fivers, their mouths shiny with Pavlovian drool. Gareth was all misty-eyed and nostalgic as we watched the spectacle. He hadn't seen a chip van in years. Back in the day, before he turned vegetarian, he would buy a cheeseburger. Not your fancy McDonalds ones with the dainty onions and smoothy, shiny buns, but a hardcore Scottish cheeseburger – a lump of mysterious manufactured flesh and gristle with the highly processed cheese already inside! "Like a chicken Kiev!" he explained, "Except shite!" As soon as the hoardes were served they closed the shutters. This little delinquent came running down the street as they pulled away, throwing himself onto the back of the van. He whooped and cheered as they sped off into the sunset. Some people will do anything for a bag of chips.

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


21 thoughts on “Fryer Truck

  1. just to let you know, i finished this entry 50 minutes ago, but it has taken THAT LONG to think of a title. gareth and i have been sitting here trying to think of something and dismissing each others suggestions as SHITE:

    Mr Chippy
    Axle Grease
    Grease Is The Word
    Goodbye Mr Chips
    Fry Drive
    Drive Fry
    Mobile Heart Attack
    Fry-day Night (even tho it was Saturday. “Just lie and say it was Friday!”)

    ARRRGH!

    Dr G finally came up with Fryer Truck. That’ll do pig, that’ll do.

  2. i want to move o scotland. fried potato comes to your door. the cheeseburger sounds scary though. gareth and yer’self need a telly show! you guys are hilarious!

  3. I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen a McDonald’s cheeseburger described as “fancy”. Though now I have to go seek out one of these cheeseburgers with the cheese already inside…

  4. That man in the first picture makes it look like the fryer truck is less than reputable.
    I love the name, “Fast foot fish ‘n’ chips” – sort of fairy-esque.

  5. I thought fast foot was just a mis-spelling based on pronunciation 😀

    Are you a vegetarian now too, then?

  6. The other night I saw a programme about the British cuisine on German telly.
    They showed a place in Edinburgh that sells everything deep fried – the normal stuff like fish, chips, burgers, but also pizzas, buns, cake even chocolate bars (with batter an’all). You can order anything – even bring something to get deep fried.
    A little girl ordered some kind of toffee-chocolate-bar with batter, deep fried and on top …. brown sauce!! Eeww.
    The chokolate looked yummy though 😉

    Like your blogs (yes, I read all of them)! First thing I check in the morning.

  7. Heehee yes Scotland is the confirmed home of “Food-As-A-Dare”! This is the only place I know of where people actually buy – and eat – things like deep-fried pizza, deep-fried cheeseburgers, and the ultimate in artery-clogging heaven, fried-rice-chips-and-curry-sauce!

    Loved the title BTW Shauna, very witty! :

  8. Here in Vegas we have the Mexican version… greasy burritos and disgusting menudo… it comes to my office every day at 9:30 and all the office ants file out to get their morning fix. We call it the “Roach Coach” or the “Gut Truck”… I’ve never eaten anything that I didn’t regret shortly thereafter!

  9. I remember those cheeseburgers! I had one when I was back in town for a visit, my husband had either battered smoked sausage, or battered haggis (and chips and brown sauce of course), he refused even to taste my scary greasy cheese-stuffed gristleburger.

    I felt sick after about 3 bites and just ate the chips. Funny how your tastes can change when you stop eating grstle and lard on a regular basis.

  10. Hee, hee. Have you ever read The Van by Roddy Doyle? If so, then you would no NEVER to eat anything from these so called chippy vans – unless you like munching on a rogue nappy or two… 😉

  11. It gets even better as you go up the East coast. Stonehaven is where they invented deep fried Mars bars, I’m told, and in Aberdeen they have this heavenly lump of fat, salt, and flaky pastry called a buttery, or an Aberdeen Rowie. They were invented for fishermen to take to sea with them.

  12. hiya….

    i agree with everyones comments above.. but why is it the kids run in when the van toots and give you the look like simba aand nala when they wanted to go to the elephants graveyard..pleeeeeze…..”what?? ..why do you want greasy chips when i can make good ones…”
    and you always got the same answer.. no answer.. just that “cos they do” one… and if you say nope, they hit you with the peer pressure bit that their mates are getting them ..
    *parts with £5* hey… and i want my CHANGE this time… and remember to bring me the battered mars beforer the grease sets!!

  13. There was only onr thing more unnerving than those burgers, which was thae ones in a can with gravy.
    They were called Goblin Burgers, a name that drew more than one diner to suspect that they contained real goblin meat.

    As Mike Myers said in “So I Married An Axe Murderer” .

    “I’m pretty much sure that all scottish cuisine was based on a dare.”

    Keep up the good stuff Shauna, I particularly like “Shiny with Pavlovian drool”

  14. I got booted out kicking and screaming (due to visa expiry) in December after living in Edinburgh for just over a year. Randomly finding your blog is making me miss it more than usual – despite the food. Canada is severely lacking men in kilts all over the street, and I can’t find sticky toffee pud anywhere. wah.

  15. when i went to scotland i was both horrified and intrigued by what gets deep-fried. pizza, candy bars, and the worst…the hamburger patty with attached cheese – battered and deep fried. being a veggie, i only had the pizza. mmm. with brown sauce and salt.

  16. Here in Taiwan there are little stands everywhere with all kinds of different foods and a bit vat of oil to fry it in. You can get anything you want fried right there.

  17. Ahhhh, Goblin burgers. Never eaten them, just sold them. Those are the grey burgers that you BOIL. We were selling to drunk students, but even then they weren’t always able to eat them. We sold them with onion – but it was packet onion that you re-hydrated and then heated up. BTW, this was in a student union, so it was legit. *sigh* Goblin burgers. You have to be REALLY hungry to want one of those.

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