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Wedding Part III (Pt 2)

The day of Wedding Part III dawned more obscenely bright and blue-skied than Wedding Part I and II put together. After bacon and eggs and Sunday papers we slowly got organised. Here’s Gareth ironing his shirt. He was continually amazed by these marvellous things Australians have called LAUNDRIES. A whole separate room, just for the washing machine. In Britain this room would be sub-divided into three studio apartments.

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Note indoor use of sunnies and hat.
Clearly not coping with Australian climate.

I only needed about ten minutes to get ready as it was the third wedding and I finally had the routine down pat. Hair, make-up, squishy undies. And I’d lost enough blubber since the previous wedding that I could now breathe in the frock unassisted and zip it up all by myself! Previously it took two strong men and a tub of margarine.

The day gets pretty blurry after that. We arrived at the cafe for the party and it was hot hot hot. I had totally forgotten the sensation of sun crawling over skin. It made me feel rather light-headed and nervy. My friends started to arrive and all I can remember is talking a lot of shit. I was so anxious that people would have a nice time, find the food and the punch bowl; be able to understand Gareth’s accent and vice versa. I cannot recall a single thing I said all afternoon. I just remember floating around, kissing people hello, thinking how foxy my pals looked and how strange it was to see Gareth wearing sunglasses.

We conducted a mock wedding ceremony just to give things a sense of occasion. Kind of like those dramatic reconstructions on Australia’s Most Wanted. Jenny was my bridesmaid, Belinda was Gareth’s Best Girl and the amazing Mattay became The Good Reverend. Jenny led the way down the “aisle” and spontaneously bellowed the Wedding March, “DUN DUN DUN-DUUUUN!”. This caused me to cackle and forget all about my vow to Act Cool And Classy so I wouldn’t look demented in the wedding photos. Bugger.

I had just recovered my dignity when Matt welcomed everyone to the Wedding and pulled out a priest collar from his pocket and plopped it over his head. I had no idea where he got that from; it was genius.

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I’d knocked up a script the night before, it was all very fluffy and tame so as not to alarm the elderly guests. I may as well cut and paste:

WEDDING CEREMONY THINGO

Cast:
RM — Reverend Matt
MS — Mothership
S — Shauna
G — Gareth

RM:  We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Shauna and Gareth. Marriage is a sacred institution, one that is not to be entered into lightly. Therefore, since today is Shauna and Gareth’s fourth wedding this year, we can all be safe in the knowledge that they are pretty serious about it by now. So, who takes this woman away from this man, and then gives her away again?

MS:  I do.

RM:  Thank you Shazza. Now if the bride and groom could join hands, we can begin the vows.

[S & G join hands]

RM:  [Turns to G] Gareth David, do you promise to keep on loving Shauna, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer; even though she always leaves bits of food on the plates when she does the dishes?

G:  I do.

RM:  Excellent. [Turns to S] Shauna Lee, do you promise to keep on loving Gareth, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer; even though you still can’t always understand his Scottish accent?

S:  I do.

RM:  Do we have the wedding rings?

[J hands ring to S, B hands ring to G]

RM:  Gareth, please take your wife’s hand and repeat after me. With this ring, I re-wed.

G:  With this ring, I re-wed.

[G puts ring on S’s finger]

RM:  Shauna, take that Scotsman by the hand and repeat after me. With this ring, I re-wed.

S:  With this ring, I re-wed.

[And vice versa]

RM:  I now pronounce you, once again, husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!

CROWD GOES WILD. THE END.

And then there was mingling. Captured here is a moment of confusion with my Auntie remarking how she never knew I had a friend who was a man of the cloth, and me explaining how Reverend Matt was not a real Reverend.

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(Photos by the famous JinkyArt. They specialise in photographing kids, but kindly agreed to snap our party. We’re good at acting immature anyway. I implore you, if you don’t have children you should go out and GET SOME, just so Barb can take photographs of them.)

So I hope everyone had a good time. I mostly remember The Mothership’s laughter bouncing off the walls. She has a great bunch of mates and they’re always up for a good time. I know I sent out the dorky Thank You cards long ago, but thanks everyone for coming along. And thanks to everyone far and wide who were so tops during the whole wedding process; I wish we could have invited youse all.

Right now here in Scotland it’s turned dark and chilly and everyone seems so far away. It’s a year ago on Monday, see. I’ve gone all mushy and pathetic. Let’s get on to the most important bit… THE CAKE!

You may recall The Mothership’s request for a thistle to plonk atop the cake alongside a sprig of wattle, so to represent Oz and Scotland. This sparked alarmed emails from readers who thought I’d try and smuggle a plant past Australia’s notoriously strict customs officials. But I found a nice fake one. Unfortunately all the local wattle had died off so we used some other native fluff. The cake did look a treat. This may be the only photo from the day in which I am not grinning or gurning like a moron, because I was hypnotised by this vision of chocolately goodness.

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Phwoar.

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


18 thoughts on “Wedding Part III (Pt 2)

  1. I have a feeling Jinky Art’s site hits are just about to rocket – where can I rent some kids? 😉

    Again, it sounds lovely.

    I can’t help giggling about the laundry reference though – very true.

    It’s raining down here in London too – ahhhh, winter. Here we come again!

    Scott F 🙂

  2. I’ve never met anyone, including myself, who can remember a damn thing about their own weddings…it’s like all short term memory of the event get’s short circuited after you say “I do”

    With all those extra weddings thrown in I’m surprised the whole year wasn’t a big blank.

    However, still waiting for the Seattle re-enactment…

  3. Hehehehe. I always make those resolutions to act cool and classy and forget them. I worry that when my great-great grandchildren write a family history they will refer to me as ” Grandma Betty, who, despite suffering severe brain damage from an early age, lived a full and productive life”
    By the way, if you were wondering who spent all day in your archives on Friday, that was me. Great writing, best work day I’ve had in ages

  4. Dammit.

    I had a great comment planned but then drooled all over my keyboard and the computer blew up..

    That is one DEEELISH looking cake.

  5. “Dark and chilly ” blethers. Ok, it’s getting dark earlier, but what do you want? It’s October. But it’s mild and quite frequently sunny! Sunnyish. Come to Scotland, readers. It’s often lovely weather now that global warming has set in. When I was young, now, that was another story…

  6. Congratulations to you both – we drank the wedding gift ‘Bollinger’ yesterday at Trish’s 50th Birthday Festival recovery in Woodstock in your honour after suitable toast to you and Dr G.
    Of course it was a very festive occasion celebrated with fine company and fine food in Trish’s beautiful garden – weather sunny and warm – sunnies and sunscreen required! I’m sure you were with us ‘in spirit’.
    We had another memorable day to add to many others.
    Love from all of us….to you and Dr G.
    Mothership
    PS Annie and Emily say hi!

  7. Shouldn’t the script read RM rather than MS?

    Either that or your Mum was conducting the ceremony and thus flouting the god given authority of your pretend priest.

    Still, bloody good stuff.

    Pol x

  8. Shauny has asked me to point out that she is now aware of the bugger up and it’ll be fixed as soon as she gets home.

    Apparently the word PUSSY is blocked at her work.

    Can’t imagne why?

    Pol x

  9. what a fud. i’ve fixed it up now. this is what happens when you cut and paste great chunks of code without checking properly. you see i use a span class thingy to format the captial letters for dialogue thingies and i forgot to alter who was doing the talking. OH WELL.

  10. Oooh that cake looks so good. I would marry any number of times in order to get a slice of that. You look even more gorgeous in that dress than the other time(s) – I hope you will get at least one more wearing out of it, but perhaps at someone else’s wedding next time. Congratulations x 4!

  11. Heeheee! Mattay’s script was brilliant.

    The hypnotised-by-behemoth-slab-o-chocolate-excellence photo is awesome. If there were some swirly coiled laserbeams connecting it to your eyes and blip-blip-blip sound fx, it’d be totally Scooby Doo.

  12. Awww, Mattay! I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it, luv. I’m a complete incompetent when it comes to trains. Stupid Newcastle. I’m glad you had a great day.

  13. I was actually able to find some Scottish thistle for my wedding locally, but found that it does v. poorly off the stalk. We had to do with thistle pressed from fondant.

  14. Ive been reading you for such a long time but only just now brave enough to leave a comment.
    I was reminded all day today of you and your squishy undies when i procured my own pair. Out of curiosity – the crotch fastner – was your hooks and eyes like mine or is mine just a particularily sadistic pair 🙂

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