Hello Boys

There's only three floors in this building but the majority of us lazy arses still use the lift. Sometimes it's jammed full with sweaty bodies and the rustle of lunchtime shopping bags. Sometimes it's completely empty and you have 15 precious seconds from Ground Floor to Level 2 in which to check your hair or to see How Big Your Bum Looks In This. Then other times you're stuck with a Phone Guy.

Phone Guys are very common these days and easy to spot. They're the ones who insist on taking out their phone every time they have a quiet moment, unhooking it from their belt thingy or extracting it from the depths of their pockets. Then they gaze fondly at it, or poke at a few buttons, sometimes even stroke it a little, smiling to themselves. This display goes on for the entire lift journey, then when the door opens they put it away, giving it a little reassuring pat as they stroll out into the sunshine.

What is it with some guys and their phones? Last week I overhead my rich fat cat former employer calling someone specifically to tell them he'd bought a new phone. "It's the Ericsson. It was only released today. And it's so small and sleek." And I am a wanker and will no doubt chose the wankiest ringtone known to mankind. Perhaps the Mission: Impossible theme or one of Foreigner's greatest hits.

Oh how they annoy me, those Phone Guys. Why can't they just keep it in their pants? I'm not impressed by your 20,000 ringtones and your global roaming. Mine's smaller than yours! I hear you crow. I'll bet it is!

I was explaining this phenomenon to some folks at the pub last week, punctuated with great disdain, bitterness and vodka. And wouldn't you know it, I spied a Phone Guy in the corner who was demonstrating the theory to perfection. He was tight-jeaned and polo-shirted and sharing a bottle of wine with a young woman. She was bewitching in a loud cotton frock and a hairband with worry dolls parading across it…

(Whatever happened to worry dolls? They were all the rage, briefly, some time ago.)

Goodness knows what they were talking about, but there was a lapse in conversation and I could see him wondering what to say next. That is when he reached into his back pocket and plucked out his phone. "Hey lady! Watch me pull a Nokia out of my arse!"

We watched as he turned it on and began crapping on about its wonderous features. He punched at the buttons with gusto and talked rather loudly. She nodded at appropriate intervals and gave those weak kind of smiles that don't quite reach the eyes. The poor lass. I couldn't quite hear the conversation but I'm sure it went something like this:

"Look at this. It's my new Nokia Whatever and it cost me three weeks salary."


"It WAPs and raps with 5 billion happenin' ring tones."


"It fits inside a matchbox."


"And now I am going to dazzle you with my phone prowess by pressing an alarming number of buttons in quick succession. Some things will go bleep and some wacky pictures will come up on the display and you will be most impressed."

"Oh yes. I'm very impressed!"

"Good. Would you like to see my penis now?"

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m Shauna, an author, copywriter and content mentor. I love telling stories about life and helping others to tell theirs.

Find out more about me and how we can work together – I’m now booking for November 2020.

27 thoughts on “Hello Boys

  1. There’s an article on about cell phones as the new aphrodisiac. Some study done in Italy showed alarming results connected to cell phones. It’s in the This Week in Sex archives, in case you’ve not read it, hee hee.

  2. I’m never taking my phone out socially again! but seriously, something wierd is happening because I’ve actually begun to check my behaviour against your ‘wanker’ metrics just to make sure I dont have the wrong things in my shopping basket or pull my phone out in inappropriate settings. This worries me.

  3. Absolutely stunning. A phrase from Alexander Pope comes to mind: “What oft was thought / but nee’r so well expressed”
    I refuse to carry a cell phone, but it really doesn’t matter much. No one wants to call me anyway. I’m always a ranty pants.

  4. My phone is the size of a housebrick, has an extremely dull ringtone and stays firmly at the bottom of my bag at all times. In fact give it a year and it’ll be the cellphone equivalent of the ZX81 computer

  5. Hahaha! Bleddy well done. If I had far more money than I knew what to spend it on I’d still never get one of those fucking devices. Pagers either.

  6. “Hey lady! Watch me pull a Nokia out of my arse!” is the funniest thing I’ve heard so far today… but then I have only been out of bed for 74 minutes 🙂

  7. Oh crap! I’m a phone guy! i don’t wanna be a phone guy. Please, somebody help me!

    I went out and got the smallest, feature packed Nokia whatever right outta the arse…I’m one of them 🙁

    I’m going to start up a phone guy support group!

  8. Hmm. I’m still using an old Alcatel handset I bought second-hand off a workmate simply for the battery life. Plus I leave it at home most days. I have to impress people purely with my charisma. 🙂

  9. I’m constantly being told off my friends & family for not charging/crediting/taking out of the house my mobile phone. ‘It’s not an ornament you know’. And while I admit that it is sometimes useful I like being able to get away from people & not be contactable. I just wish I didn’t have voice-mail.

  10. Another true observational. You’re good at them.

    Ring tones are my personal bugbear with mobiles. It’s not musical ring tones in general. It’s when I hear a mobile that just reeks of ‘Hey, my owner is a really funny, crazy guy/chick, and likes to entertain everyone within a hundred yards with my wacky ringtones’. But I’m prejudiced like that.

    I could have musical ring tones, too, but prefer just an ordinary, telephone type ring, so that’s what I’ve got.

  11. *picks herself up off the floor* That was beautiful, Shauny! Absolutely sodding marvellous.

    We even have Phone Guys at my college, but we give them short shrift. In fact, whenever a mobile phone rings, the victim is subjected to withering glares, and denunciations of: “Yuppie scum.” Complete with Return of the Jedi enunciation.

  12. but I like my phone… it plays smooth criminal… and the display’s blue, and it’s all quite shiny, really. how could you not like shiny and blue?
    *sighs and puts phone back in arse*

  13. I think Monkey’s a phone girl. She demonstrated that yesterday in fact.

    It’s a nice phone, although she didn’t try to seduce me with it.

    Your post was very funny, as usual. Yay!

  14. LOL.. I love it! that is sooo funny!
    I hate phone guys 😉

    and I got my voicemail turned off, and leave my phone where I can’t hear when work rings me 😉

  15. Damnitall! I’m suffering through a bout of pleuritis and can’t breathe period. Now I go and read this post and my side is racked with pain, I can’t catch my breath, and I’m about to black out.

    Still and all – the funniest thing I’ve seen all day. Thanks!

  16. What about Phone Girls? In Taiwan, at least, it seems that a lot more women have cell phones, although I guess just about everyone has at least one these days. Mine’s set on buzz, doesn’t ring at all. It’s an old-fashioned, cheap model (you saw it) so I’m not exactly showing it off. But it has it’s uses, such as letting you reach me in Melbourne!

  17. Lovely stuff, Shauny. Personally, although I always have my phone with me and switched on (just in case), it’s a housebrick with no functions apart from you can phone people on it, and sometimes they can phone you. I can’t understand this drive towards miniturisation in phones – I’d just lose a small one.

  18. It can be quite embarrassing when it’s your own father interested in the latest WAP crap, instead of yourself. Your friends begin to talk to your Dad about phones and how cool he is, instead of spending time with you.

    Does anyone want to trade dads?

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