Tyre Kicking

On Saturday afternoons it is fun to get all dressed up and pretend you're looking to buy an investment property. We hide Golden Boy down the street so they can't see what a heap of shit he is, then sashay over to some exhibition apartments and townhouses and look like two chicks with Serious Money.

It is actually a dream of ours to invest together. Our plan is always make sure we look after each other so we don't end up destitute like our parents. Also, as we get older, we can keep our money together so some bastard husband can't get his grubby paws on it. So when one of us gets divorced, we can hide their moula in the other sister's account. Yes, we're just a tad cynical.

Anyway, we would get something happening now except we don't have any money for a deposit. We've gone looking through the family tree and there's noone worth anything to us if they cark it. Basically we're on our own. So for now we have to play Fantasy Investors.

Rhiannon does the talking and I do the pacing around, peering at walls and windows as if I am doing some important mental calculations. Planting hands on hips adds to that pensive look. They ask us how much are we looking to spend, we say 350K or so, we're first time buyers, but we're all about location, baby. We tell them we're already renting in the neighbourhood and they start salivating and handing out business cards. We're all so very convincing until one of us accidentally blurts out, "Holy fucking SHIT look at the size of that master bedroom!"

About Shauna Reid

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10 thoughts on “Tyre Kicking

  1. my brother and I do that with cars, houses, guitars, furniture…. anything to waste the sales assistant’s time. one time we went to private nursing home and snooped around, pretending that we were looking to put our mother into care.

  2. Yeah, the holy fucking shit will tip those canny realtors off every time. Instead, practice saying, “It is rather small, but pleasant nonetheless. One of my maids had a place like this, I believe.”

  3. A great book I used to have, the dole bludgers handbook, had heaps of ideas for getting free meals. The best one was to get a decent looking suit and just go into some convention center and find a room full of food and people. Just walk in like you own the place and start scoffing the food and drinking the booze. If anyone asks you what you’re doing, say “Oh, sorry, I thought this was my BHP function”, finish your drink and leave.

  4. You know, up until I started reading your site, I thought my sister and I were pretty close.

    How wrong I was! Crikey 🙂

  5. You’re funny. No really. You’re really funny. And wrong, but you’ve got a point. Go sisterly love – hide that money in each other’s accounts. Most excellent.

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