The Secretary Thinks Deep Thoughts

Imagine my surprise when I discovered yesterday there was such a thing as a staple remover. For years I've painstakingly plucked with my fingernails. But there's this little contraption with fearsome teeth that yoinks the staple out for you. Amazing. I found myself stapling random pieces of paper together, just so I'd have some staples to remove.

I had nine paper jams yesterday afternoon. I know the photocopier sees me coming and cackles to itself, Ahh ha ha, look at this amateur. That bloody machine has far too many orifices for paper to hide in.

As I dismantled and declogged, I thought of paper jams and how there's so really many types of paper jam. Like the pulpy kind you spread on your toast. It keeps you regular. Or when there's a whole bunch of tired notebooks and Post-Its™ driving home from work and the roads get all congested. Or when the ream of A4 calls up his old highschool buddy the legal pad and they get together with drums and guitars in their garage. Paper jam.

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m Shauna, an author, copywriter and content mentor. I love telling stories about life and helping others to tell theirs.

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27 thoughts on “The Secretary Thinks Deep Thoughts

  1. Hehehe, [insert pun here]

    couldn’t think of one, but wanted to….does that count?

  2. staple removers are the eighth wonder. you know, there’s something about a staple remover that makes me hum the milton bradley jingle ‘operation, you’re the doctor… blah de blah de blah’.

    that’s all i hum, over and over.

  3. There’s neat ones that look like bent nail files too. They’re stupid though, not half as good as those chompy ones.

    Gosh Miss Shauny, boredom is good for the blog, isn’t it?

  4. Shauny, you ever read If not, you should … even though you’re not a temp, I bet you’d relate. 🙂

  5. See, this is really just Shauny plotting her next move. It starts with little things. Stealing office supplies and, instead of Friday nights at the pub, time’s spent finding alternative uses for these little dealies. For example, I have not actually attempted to stick an entire ream of paper up my ass. But if you put me in a situation banal enough, I guarantee that I would happily be crumpling each individual paper and shoving it up my rectum. The hope, of course, is to be discovered doing this on a giant oak table in a conference room. Several Fortune 500 giants walk in and they see this nut with a smile on my face. The situation would so horrid that not one of these greedy bastards would call security. But the important distinction here is that I’VE GIVEN THEM SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!

    The point I’m trying to make here is that I’ve CONSIDERED shoving paper where the sun don’t shine. And if that makes me a terrible deviant person, so be it.

  6. Oooh, I for one can imagine your surprise. I still remember the sense of joy and wonder that filled me when I first learned that the intriguing set of fangs with no obvious purpose was a staple remover. It just all clicked into place, and seemed so obvious, though I’d never suspected there’d be such a thing. After all, isn’t stapling supposed to be permanent? Next you’ll be discovering the hole unpunch.

    And I like how your mind wanders when doing tedious, boring stuff. The thing about paper jam keeping you regular reminds me of how I think of ordinary paper as being plain, while brown wrapping paper, manilla envelopes and card are wholemeal.

  7. My mom had one of those when I was little. I could never figure out what it was for, so I used to just make holes in paper and announce to the family at large that there was a vampire in the house. I was fond of vampire even as a small child. :g:

    Should really get hold of one now, I have no nails whatsoever and many college assignments that always need to be un-stapled and re-stapled.

    And the paperjam amused me great. Especially the A4 & the Legal pad having a music session.

  8. I spose those tiny little pieces of confetti you find between your toes after walking down the street on New Year’s Day could be a kind of paper jam.

  9. Bah, I’m an engineer, and I still get other people’s memos to type up and things like that from time to time. Being junior sucks dead bunnies through a bent straw!

    Anyhow, I almost spilled stuff on my chest as I drove to work this morning, and I thought of ya, Shauna. Made me laugh, yes.

  10. Now, take that staple remover, and some paper that is so thin it breaks when you look at it, and attempt to remove that staple without hurting the paper, and you have what Graham and I have been doing for the last three weeks. It takes skill, swearing under your breath, and much stickytape to perfect.

  11. i hope whoever invented staple removers [or “removerer thingies” as employees at my place of work tend to call them] made a mint.

  12. Heh, re Zab’s comment. It’s not the tissue-like quality of the 2001 group certs that bugs me, it’s more the prats who try to make a dozen of them plus an accompanying a4-size form fit into a grandma envelope. much hilarity ensues when the letter opener cut them into little bits that one has to tape back together.

    That or the knobs who send money orders or bank cheques without any indication as to who they’re from, though at least we’re not the poor bastards who have to chase the details up.

    i need a holiday.

  13. Never posted before but killing time before the weekend arrives… Although privy to the staple remover I was unawares of the sponge roller to moisten envelopes. It was only after licking hundreds of envelopes and finding myself barely able to talk due to my musilage covered, pasty tongue that I found out they actually have something that spares your saliva. Of course no one mentioned this to me until I was done.

  14. oh dear!
    What about when the notepad get’s busted dating both the memo pad and the notebook behind each others backs? that paper would be in a jam!

  15. I know this is irrelevant to a point, but still amusing..

    my brother (now19) went to his year 10 formal with jim waley’s daughter…

    i wonder if she came from a do-anything-for-money/creative job person like shauny taking that desire, one step too far?!

  16. Staple removers are great. It is very rare in any other circumstance that an employer will give you the use of a functional hand puppet

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