Pew Butt

23 Random Things Thought at the Funeral of Malcolm James

  1. Look at all these people, you popular boy.
  2. I better start being nice. I want crowds, too.
  3. Stop looking at the box.
  4. But that box looks so small. He was taller than that!
  5. We are crammed so tight into this pew. What if my skirt schloops off when I stand up to do the eulogy?
  6. Why the bloody hell did I wear a skirt?
  7. You gotta love a man who wrote love letters to his sweetheart on toilet paper, just for a laugh.
  8. And a man who, when his daughter whined Stop poking fun at me!, wrote the word FUN on a piece of cardboard and jabbed her with it whenever she walked by. What? Am I poking fun at you again?
  9. I don’t recognise my voice. It’s calm and clear and upbeat. It’s over the PA and out in the street. I want to be on the radio.
  10. They’re listening to every word. We made them laugh and cry. Woohoo! I feel like Jimmy Swaggart!
  11. Gonna have bawl tonight (Let’s have a bawl).
  12. Hurry up, Lady Minister. I am getting Pew Butt.
  13. I wish they could raise the speed limit of funeral processions.
  14. I wish they could lower the speed of the box into the ground.
  15. You’re really gone.
  16. I love how when Rhi and I were kids and arguing, you would say in sage tones, As the dead sheep said to the crow, stop picking on me!
  17. Little old ladies make the best cakes ever.
  18. If one more person tells us we did a beautiful job of the eulogy, I will explode with pride and there will be little fluttery bits of pride all over sponge cakes and tomato sandwiches.
  19. My underwire is attacking me.
  20. Takeaway from Mee Sing at Lyneham Shops! Only that can comfort us tonight.
  21. I know you’re my third cousin or something, but is okay for me to quietly think you’re rather hot?
  22. One can never get enough hugs. I love everybody.
  23. I just want there to be some sort of heaven. Full of scotch, Cadbury’s chocolate and Benny Hill re-runs, all for you.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestEmail this to someoneBuffer this page

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.

Want to say hello? I’m on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

31 thoughts on “Pew Butt

  1. What I thought at a funeral in the middle of summer in Cowra: “What’s that weird smell? OoooOOOhhh. Eww.”

    Bit off colour, but hey. I liked that bit about exploding. Really did. Nice work.

  2. Funerals. Oh yeah. They’re never much fun, but the last one I went to was particularly uncomfortable and tragic.

    Look after yerself, kiddo…

  3. i’m glad your eulogy went down well. you certainly know how to write a beautiful story, and he sounds like a wonderful man. i am especially enamoured with the “poking fun” incident.

  4. i’m glad your eulogy went down well. you certainly know how to write a beautiful story, and he sounds like a wonderful man. i am especially enamoured with the “poking fun” incident.

  5. pathos, humour, poignancy and warmth all in one post- very gorgeous

    sounded cathartic- hope you are okay 🙂

  6. pathos, humour, poignancy and warmth all in one post- very gorgeous

    sounded cathartic- hope you are okay 🙂

  7. I was with you until the end…

    that it #25. Do we really need Benny Hill up there? Perhaps I need to reasses…I had always thought that to be my HELL!

    Perhaps that’s why these things are so complicated!

    oh…they make the best cakes EVER!

  8. Ed – It wasn’t another funeral, it was my granddad’s funeral! it happened last Tuesday but took me another week to work out how to write about it without being depressing and morbid 😀

  9. You’ve done a marvelous job here, Shauna. *goes wandering down the hall without saying more so as not to humiliate herself*

  10. You write about something sad, yet reading your post makes me somehow feel good. How the hell do you do that?

    You’re still the best, Miss S.

  11. As usual, brilliant. Also glas to hear that your eulogy went smoothly. I actually tripped on my way up to the podium during my stepfather’s funeral….twice. Once trying to squeeze past my grandfather, the second on the steps right in front of the priest.

  12. Shauny: Right. Gotcha. Now all understood. I’ve been looking for my mind the last nine months. The temporal lobe, in particular — the one that has all of those basic things you remember — has been about as reliable as a vibrator without batteries. Not that I would know about that or anything. But I could very well imagine…

  13. that was beautiful, shauny.

    and while I’M glad your skirt didn’t whip off (isn’t it bizarre the insano things you worry about when you’re nervous and upset), i reckon your joker poppy would have found it a pretty darned funny interlude to his eulogy, girl!


  14. I wanted to comment last night but couldn’t think of the right thing to say. But now I know, to wit: what Petal said.

  15. that was beautiful. im glad you didnt use the ‘expand-o thingy’ this time too. absolutely wonderful entry and good account of events 🙂 and yes. what Petal said.

  16. Your list pretty much summed up my feelings from the last two funerals, with the exceptions of 6, 17 & 18. Well, let’s say that I didn’t have the problem of 21, but I had a similar male related issue.

    You supported me. I’m here for you, too.

  17. I want to echo what Steve said above. Somehow you take something with the potential to be so depressing and turn it into something that makes the rest of us smile. I hope it made you smile, too 🙂 you have an amazing way with words and a wonderful way of dealing with life with grace.

  18. I still can’t think of anything appropriate or unlame to say, but I just wanted to say that I know what you mean in number 25.

Comments are closed.