Put on your ranty pants!

I have been acting like a deranged idiot for the past week. I don’t feel like I have any control over anything I say or do, I am just floundering. I’ve been writing a lot of shit. Yesterday I wrote this stupid entry and as soon as I posted I thought, this is too fucking morbid and I haven’t written it very well. Someone left a comment to say it was a little weird, and what did I do? Delete the entry and send her an email getting all defensive and pathetic.

I showed the entry to someone later and he pointed out that with the lack of context, it was really weird and unsettling and I should have expected people to react. So here is another sincere apology for jumping down your throat.

I feel so embarrassed. The child in me is just rampant at the moment. I want to curl up in a ball and have someone take care of me. I don’t want to have to think about anything. I want someone to just be here and hold me continuously, from anywhere between 1 and 12 weeks, however long it takes for me to get my shit together.

I feel incredibly needy and I hate it. Every time someone leaves a comment or an email I feel so grateful and I cry (you people are wonderful).

Monkey and Mattay and Rach brought flowers and Goodberry’s Frozen Custard and as soon as I left I bawled coz they were so beautifully sweet and kind. Peita wrote me this email about losing her own grandma and she just said so well what it feels like that I went and cried in the loos at work.

The child has an ugly side that I feel horrible about. I was a little thundercloud last night, laying in bed thinking of friends that I haven’t heard from and feeling all abandoned and pathetic. Where are you? Why haven’t you said anything? Don’t you care about me? Don’t I mean anything to you? Is it because you know deep down I suck? Can’t you see what a needy wimp I am right now?

Crikey. There’s all this irrational rage sputtering inside me at the moment and I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I am being so selfish and pathetic. There are people around me that need me to be strong. My sister and I have to stand up there in front of a churchful of people on Tuesday. I would rather write 1000 stinky essays than one eulogy.

It’s such a wake-up call. I’ve been cruising along for almost 25 years, thinking that The Grown Ups know what they’re doing, they’re the strong ones. Sure I have gotten older, but I somehow didn’t notice the wrinkles and hardships collecting on their faces. But then they ask us to do the eulogy coz they’re too wrecked from losing a son, a brother, a nephew, all in the space of two months. Sometimes you need to set aside your own shit and be there for someone else.

I want to do them proud, I want them to know I am there for them. I want to give a worthy tribute to my grandfather.

I didn’t expect it to feel like this, I thought I would just be relieved and happy for my grandfather that he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. What’s with all this crap churning in my brain? Shouldn’t I be more dignified about it like my mum and sister are? Why am I behaving like such a loon? I have no class, no dignity.

My emotions are ping-ponging all over the shop. I need to act like an adult to get through this funeral, so this here blog is where I am going to act pathetic and be a complete child and write a lot of inarticulate drivel. I feel like apologising for all the crap in my head. I don’t feel like I am quite all there at the moment, so feel free to write and tell me to SHUT UP or otherwise you could come back in a little while and I will write some nice little polished entries with a beginning and an end and a tasty little punchline. Bear with me, and if you go, please come back later.

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.

Want to say hello? I’m on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

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