I have been acting like a deranged idiot for the past week. I don’t feel like I have any control over anything I say or do, I am just floundering. I’ve been writing a lot of shit. Yesterday I wrote this stupid entry and as soon as I posted I thought, this is too fucking morbid and I haven’t written it very well. Someone left a comment to say it was a little weird, and what did I do? Delete the entry and send her an email getting all defensive and pathetic.
I showed the entry to someone later and he pointed out that with the lack of context, it was really weird and unsettling and I should have expected people to react. So here is another sincere apology for jumping down your throat.
I feel so embarrassed. The child in me is just rampant at the moment. I want to curl up in a ball and have someone take care of me. I don’t want to have to think about anything. I want someone to just be here and hold me continuously, from anywhere between 1 and 12 weeks, however long it takes for me to get my shit together.
I feel incredibly needy and I hate it. Every time someone leaves a comment or an email I feel so grateful and I cry (you people are wonderful).
Monkey and Mattay and Rach brought flowers and Goodberry’s Frozen Custard and as soon as I left I bawled coz they were so beautifully sweet and kind. Peita wrote me this email about losing her own grandma and she just said so well what it feels like that I went and cried in the loos at work.
The child has an ugly side that I feel horrible about. I was a little thundercloud last night, laying in bed thinking of friends that I haven’t heard from and feeling all abandoned and pathetic. Where are you? Why haven’t you said anything? Don’t you care about me? Don’t I mean anything to you? Is it because you know deep down I suck? Can’t you see what a needy wimp I am right now?
Crikey. There’s all this irrational rage sputtering inside me at the moment and I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I am being so selfish and pathetic. There are people around me that need me to be strong. My sister and I have to stand up there in front of a churchful of people on Tuesday. I would rather write 1000 stinky essays than one eulogy.
It’s such a wake-up call. I’ve been cruising along for almost 25 years, thinking that The Grown Ups know what they’re doing, they’re the strong ones. Sure I have gotten older, but I somehow didn’t notice the wrinkles and hardships collecting on their faces. But then they ask us to do the eulogy coz they’re too wrecked from losing a son, a brother, a nephew, all in the space of two months. Sometimes you need to set aside your own shit and be there for someone else.
I want to do them proud, I want them to know I am there for them. I want to give a worthy tribute to my grandfather.
I didn’t expect it to feel like this, I thought I would just be relieved and happy for my grandfather that he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. What’s with all this crap churning in my brain? Shouldn’t I be more dignified about it like my mum and sister are? Why am I behaving like such a loon? I have no class, no dignity.
My emotions are ping-ponging all over the shop. I need to act like an adult to get through this funeral, so this here blog is where I am going to act pathetic and be a complete child and write a lot of inarticulate drivel. I feel like apologising for all the crap in my head. I don’t feel like I am quite all there at the moment, so feel free to write and tell me to SHUT UP or otherwise you could come back in a little while and I will write some nice little polished entries with a beginning and an end and a tasty little punchline. Bear with me, and if you go, please come back later.