First I conversed with the anaesthetist.
“So I hear you’re going overseas.”
“Yeah but don’t think I’m not noticing that huge needle.”
“Why are you travelling? Just finished high school eh?”
“Just finished uni then?”
“Nooo! I’ve been out for years!”
“Oh! Well I hope you’ve got some sort of qualification, if you’re intending to unleash yourself on the world?”
“Hey. I got a degree buddy. Did you really think I just finished high school? Crikey…”
Next thing I remember I can hear my voice talking and it won’t bloody stop. It is saying a whole lot of stupid things. My brain feels like lead and it is pleading with the mouth, WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT UP? But the mouth won’t comply.
They call this “IV Sedation”, as opposed to general anaesthetic, so apparently you can’t feel a thing but you can still get quite talkative. I started becoming aware of things just as the surgeon was winding up. I felt something tugging at my tooth, but no pain. But I am babbling away in a wounded monotone, trying to make him feel bad for attacking me, “HEY. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. HEY. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.”
Then I chatted to a nurse. “You guys are so lovely. You are doing a lovely job. Really you are. You have all been so nice.”
“Thank you, dear.”
“You know I was so worried you wouldn’t be able to knock me out? Like I would be unknockoutable and I would feel it all? You know I’ve been on a mad health kick purely to avoid encounters with doctors?”
“Shut up!” (That was the Brain speaking)
“Is that so love?”
I proceeded to launch into what I thought was a very articulate and detailed outline of my diet and exercise regime and secrets of well-being, weight loss and eternal happiness, but I’m sure it was a saliva-drenched numb-tongued garbled blur.
As they wheeled me out of theatre my brain cringed because the mouth was still talking and talking and there seemed no way of stopping it. Half an hour later, sitting up in a chair with my mouth stuffed with cotton swabs, grinning and giggling. The nurse was telling my sister, “This one’s a talker. She told us all her secrets.”
“BWAHAHA! Oh shit,” said I.
I started writing this entry yesterday, tis now Friday 5AM and I can’t sleep because of my Gigantor Head. I was hoping for the chipmunk face, chipmunks are somewhat cute and perky. But instead my face has taken on a lumpy potatoesque quality. I am a slab with eyes. My lips are numb so when I spoon my gruel into my mouth it slithers down my deformed chin like a useless little baby. Somebody strap me into a highchair and make some aeroplane noises!
I am hideous. Look away. Look awaaaayyyy. No hang on, fetch me some more drugs, then look away.
UPDATE — STATE OF HEAD: Downgraded from Mega Potato to Bullfrog. Cheeks have slightly subsided but chin still bulbous. Or as Miss Monkey observed, “A little like Gwenyth Paltrow’s face in the Shallow Hal fat suit”. Hehehehe.
SUNDAY: My sister won’t stop calling me Puff Shauny Shaun.