How To Shit Me Off In An Internet Cafe

1.  Refrain from all contact with shower, bath or soap since the Thatcher era.

2.  Be part of a tribe of fifteen year old girls on AIM, reading each other snippets of your saucy conversations with dirty old men. Squeal often, and actually say LOL out loud

3.  Sniff loudly and frequently, as if you were trying to inhale Loch Ness up your nose

4.  Be Mr and Mrs Joe Suburbia on Expedia, squabbling over who gets to control the mouse as you plan which crappy Greek or Spanish isle you will take your fake tanned arses to for the Bank Holiday weekend

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m Shauna, an author, copywriter and content mentor. I love telling stories about life and helping others to tell theirs.

Find out more about me and how we can work together – I’m now booking for January 2022.

26 thoughts on “How To Shit Me Off In An Internet Cafe

  1. BLEAH! I had a teacher from the UK in college……he never bathed and he was teaching in Texas in JULY, for crying out loud.

  2. my fave idiot customer at the internet cafe/laundromat i frequent is this bloke who spends hours there chatting in a cheap/poor quality porn chat room, pretending to be a swinger couple that has nudist/sexual encounters that involve their teenage kids.

    he gets all frantic, huddles over the keyboard and actually drools, too.


  3. “Actually say LOL out loud.”

    Bwa ha ha ha ha! I guess gaggles of 15-yo girls are the same all over the globe.

  4. I think fifteen year old girls should be allowed to hang out in large groups only. No little groups full of whispering and pointing and giggling.

    But first, they must *all* be muzzled for at least one or two years. That way they could only gesture wildly at one another (because you know they wouldn’t take the time to write it all down, and with all of the acronyms they use, they’d get confused anyway) and “mmph mppppahm mmmmgaghm” in each other’s general direction.

    And when they giggled, it would sound like ‘meeph meeeph meeeph meeph meeem.’


    like your blog so far shauny! you’re a funny girl. 🙂

  5. Eh, they’re not bad when they don’t know how to use the net properly. Only last week did Mel realise that she could *send* email as well as read it.

    I take this connection for granted, but maybe I shouldn’t. After all, being able to get online wearing whatever I like is a bonus.

  6. We Brits can be ghastly 🙂

    I’d like to suggest for number 5: people who keep looking at your screen, thus creating the feeling that they’re invading your private, personal, mental space, leaving you feeling somehow violated and ashamed (even if all you were doing was staring at the screen wondering what to do now that you’re there).

    (Talking of people who don’t understand the net, I’m still yet to hear of anything that beats my computer illiterate client. He was really impressed with Google (which his elder son introduced him to). He quite happily searched for useful information, and then manually typed the addresses into his browser’s address bar!)

  7. I always hated the people who would glance at my keyboard, then look smugly at me as if to say, “Har, I never look at anything so bloody foolish, you idiotic American.” Gurk.

  8. Haven’t you got Harvey with you? The little iBook that could?

    Scott F 🙂

  9. Could be worse: you could be in a netcaf that has half the room playing networked games of Unreal Tournament. I don’t think I’d ever heard anyone use the word “f4gx0t” before.

    I still haven’t recovered.

  10. I once worked next to someone and would send her emails. She would laugh hysterically then send me a reply saying ‘LOL’.

    I would say ‘Yeah I know, I heard you’ but she didn’t get it.

  11. My boyfriend Adam used to work in an internet cafe in Sydney. This old Italian guy was doing whatever it is that old Italian guys do then came up to Adam and said “Can I get my prize from you?”

    Confused, Adam asked what he was on about, and the guy told him that the computer told him he had just won a prize and he wasnt leaving until he got it!

    He was so insistant that Adam gave him a Snickers just to make him go away.

  12. Miss Shauners does indeed have Harvey, but no internet connexion at home. Hence the internet cafe horror.

    I do have a plan on how to remedy this situation, and all will be revealed soon.

  13. What is worse is a tribe of 15 year old French boys in a very small net-cafe in Saint Malo playing Unreal Tournament. Small towns, even ancient French towns are always the same boring towns to local kids.

  14. Monkey: your plan and my plan should make planlets. They’re like platelets but more devious…

  15. eeee! sounds like an adventure, shauners!

    you know, all those abreviations bother me, i ain’t hip to them. for some reason ‘ROFL’ and the way i read it “ro-fell” makes me think that the person is telling me that they’re throwing up …

  16. You keep your filthy plan away from mine, Luke. There’ll be no mating of plans on MY watch.

    They’re pretty much the same plan. You’ve got the easy part of it though. doh.

  17. Nonononono. I think you’re confusing “easy” with “my part of plan already taken care of thanks to illin’ skillz and I’m having a nice lie down” – two veeery different things.

    But your plan so wants mine… you can see it in its eyes…

  18. Re the computer illiterate, surely nobody beats the student nurses we have here at the Univeristy. They come to the PC, and on it is the message ‘Press CTRL-ALT-DELETE to log on’, with little graphics of the three buttons on the keyboard. Some of them have actually been seen to press three fingers to the graphical buttons on the screen in a vain attempt to log on.

  19. damn, just damn. im told im a sarcastic git, but this is just brilliant. this makes me feel alot better about how sarky i can be. seriously though, this is seriously funny stuff, and i am definately coming back, just at a more godly hour
    by the way, do people actually buy you stuff?!?

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