Some time ago, UK supermarkets and other food retailers recognised that not all Brits were content to live on chips and lager alone. To cater to this sliver of society, they each introduced a house brand of healthier options. Now discerning customers can buy their favourite foods from their most trusted brands, safe in the knowledge that evil fats have been replaced by friendly sugars, artificial flavours or ground cockroaches. And to make these product ranges even more appealing, they gave them wacky names…
ASDA Good For You!
It's the exclamation mark that puts the delightfully sneering tone into this brand. Imagine your neighbour has just leaned over the fence to tell you he won £10 million in the Lotto. Of course you will spit right back, "Well, good for YOU!"
Safeway Eat Smart
The alternative is to Eat Stupid and pour lard on your cornflakes.
I am writing in regards to your Shapers range of products. To me the word Shapers suggests transformation or sculpting, like control-top pantyhose, corsets or mumsy foundation garments. With this definition in mind, I recently purchased one of your pre-packaged Shapers sandwiches. When I applied said sandwich to my thunderous thighs, I noticed no real difference in their shape, apart from a slight thickening due to congealed mayonnaise. Could you kindly refund me the £2.19 and deduct 2.19 points from my Boots Advantage Card?
Sainsbury's Be Good To Yourself
… Go Buy A Vibrator.
Tesco Healthy Living
If they can't be arsed to give it a more imaginative name, then I cant be arsed to buy it.
Marks & Spencer Count On Us
Dear Mr. Marks & Mr. Spencer,
I have been an enthusiastic consumer of your Count On Us range of products, including the Voluptuous Vanilla Iced Dessert and the Rancher's Chicken Flatbread. After awhile, one comes to think of Count On Us as a name one can trust. However, recently I found myself having a very bad day indeed; I missed the bus and my boss yelled at me. I was disheartened to discover that I could not count on Count On Us in my time of need. Why didn't the Chargrilled Vegetable Pizza call me a taxi so I wasn't late? Why didn't a gang of Thai Curry Flavour Curls come round and beat up my boss? If you are going to name your products so boldly, there needs to be some sort of warning label on the packet, Not Suitable For Those With Co-Dependent Tendencies. Otherwise I suggest you rename it to something like We Won't Be There For You At All.