Edinburgh is sometimes known as The Windy City, this website told me so. I also discovered this while ploughing my way to work today. It wasn't a day to be wearing a kilt. Not that I was wearing a kilt, but I was thinking, if only some hunky Scotsman happened along just now, wearing a kilt.
This wind was more powerful than velcro. It rrrrrripped open the velcro flap on my bag and threatened to steal my lunch. I always thought velcro was an all-powerful substance. I remember in the 80s when all the kids in my class had velcro sneakers. Thick, sticky fingers wrapped around their foot like a claw — it seemed to me the greatest innovation since the Old El Paso Taco Kit. And truth be told, I'd always struggled with shoelace-tying. I begged The Mothership for velcro shoes, but she deemed them "sheer bloody laziness".
Tonight the breeze propelled us into Tesco, up and down the aisles, and all the way to the dimwit at the checkout. No matter how carefully Rhi and I choose our Checkout Dudes, we always wind up with the most stoned kid in the shop. We had never witnessed such excruciatingly slow scanning of groceries. He stared up at the ceiling and groped absently at the conveyor belt. It look five minutes to scan five little yogurt pots. He lifted a lettuce, peered at it for a long moment, then let it drift across the scanner. His mind was in the clouds but the body thought it was still in the thick of the gale.
I was filled with an irrational rage. After polite coughing and foot-tapping proved fruitless, I resorted to snatching each item from his hand mid-air and stuff it into the shopping bag.
SHAUNA: Take it up a gear, buddy!
CHECKOUT DUDE: You got a Tesco Club Card?
S: I got a bus to catch.
RHI: They let them sit down, that's where they go wrong.
There's no chairs for checkout kids where I come from. I'm going to round up every space cadet Tesco employee in Britain and take them to WOOLWORTHS BOOT CAMP back in Australia and show them how it's done! Speed! Precision! Chop chop!
CHECKOUT DUDE: Are you collecting coupons for the school kids?
S: I don't give a shit about the school kids!
We almost missed the bus, but luckily the breeze was at our backs.