On Business

A friend of mine flew to Bucharest today for a conference. He really wanted it to be DraculAir but it was plain old KLM. The lucky bastard's gone behind the Iron Curtain. Don't tell me that the Iron Curtain is no more. I won't let you take that evil communist overlord Nadia Comaneci Perfect 10 polyester tracksuit romance away from me.

I've never had a job that required me to go to conferences. One-day seminars run by software companies don't count. They're just for product-flogging and clamouring over Adobe hats and yo-yo's or Macromedia Flash t-shirts that have no hope of stretching across the bellies of the clamour-ers.

Proper conferences are the stuff of telemovies and poorly-written erotic stories on the internet. There's a guy in the hotel bar who's slamming down a bourbon glass and loosening his tie. He looks up and finally notices the lonely brunette in the beige pantyhose, playing with the ice cubes in her drink, briefcase at her feet.

— So I bet you're here for Air-Con Con '97 too?

— Oh yes! I can't wait for the climate control workshop tomorrow. How about a drink?

Fifteen to twenty sprawling paragraphs later, they're afterglowing in his suite in fluffy bathrobes. They crack open the mini-bar Schweppes Tonic Water and divvy up the Toblerone and wonder if they'll get away with it.

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m Shauna, an author, copywriter and content mentor. I love telling stories about life and helping others to tell theirs.

Find out more about me and how we can work together – I’m now booking for January 2022.

9 thoughts on “On Business

  1. The only conferences I get to go to are inhouse ones and are shite-boring. Last year’s one was at The Hub, at the top of the Royal Mile, and this year’s one was at a hotel next to Edinburgh airport. Times must be getting hard, or something.

    They may be inhouse conferences, but we still get the same sleazy gits standing at the bar trying it on with you, mind you! Ugh, I’m just away to spew …

  2. Damn. Someone else with cold war nostalgia. Yeah, it’s just so hard to find good villain accents these days, y’ know?

  3. Best conference I ever went to was a game sound engineering conference. Dull it was, but the entertainment on the last night was at Alton Towers, with free drinks and free dodgem rides. Driving around in the little bumper cars with a pint of Red Bull and vodka in my grubby little left hand, picking on the Microsoft bloke like everyone else, is one of my abiding memories.

    Very few girls, though. Damn my choice of industry.

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