This month in UK Cosmopolitan magazine:
Agnes Freeman is the UK’s only penis reader. And Cosmo comes but once a month, so only twelve women per year get to unlock the secrets of their partner’s privates. This means that sadly, for every Verity from Gloucester, there’s a million Melissa’s from Manchester or Confused of Glasgows who are left confuzzled, staring at those strange dangling creatures and wondering what’s it all mean
Clearly there’s a labour shortage here. This could be my ticket to a work permit. I’m going to phone the British Home Office and get them to post me a few staff polaroids. Brian is very clean and enjoys photocopying and filling out forms. Left-wing tendencies. He also likes to be spanked.
Once I’ve dazzled them with my skillz, they’re bound to let me stay!