The Penis Mightier

This month in UK Cosmopolitan magazine:

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Agnes Freeman is the UK’s only penis reader. And Cosmo comes but once a month, so only twelve women per year get to unlock the secrets of their partner’s privates. This means that sadly, for every Verity from Gloucester, there’s a million Melissa’s from Manchester or Confused of Glasgows who are left confuzzled, staring at those strange dangling creatures and wondering what’s it all mean

Clearly there’s a labour shortage here. This could be my ticket to a work permit. I’m going to phone the British Home Office and get them to post me a few staff polaroids. Brian is very clean and enjoys photocopying and filling out forms. Left-wing tendencies. He also likes to be spanked.

Once I’ve dazzled them with my skillz, they’re bound to let me stay!

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m Shauna, an author, copywriter and content mentor. I love telling stories about life and helping others to tell theirs.

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20 thoughts on “The Penis Mightier

  1. The mind boggles!

    For instance, how exactly did Verity get the famous photo of Steven’s todger? Was this a solo project, or did she have help from the man in her life in setting up the glorious snapshot? If it was a lone gunman sort of affair, how did she manage it without Steven finding out? Lads, if her current relationship doesn’t work out and she goes after you sometime in the future, be sure to search her for cameras before nodding off!

    And what does Agnes do with the photographs once she’s read them?

    Inquiring minds are horrified at the prospect of finding out!

  2. Your luck, you’d get the oldies again. Ancient women would show you snaps of auld Wullie’s old willy.

    Tiny old woman pulls out a small B&W print. “Sorry, hen. Mind. if ye canna work with it, I could hae it enlarged…”

  3. how funky!

    i wonder though:

    *how does one learn this trade?
    *how many penises does one have to loook at to do so?
    *what part of a penis says stuff about “sick female relatives”? – if it were only about the owner, i might buy it, but about relatives who hopefully have never seen the penis in question… bizarre; and lasty
    *what about altered penises, with piercings, circumcisions? does that influence readability?

    in any way, if you make up some cool credentials, start a little ltd and make up a cool business plan, its a sure go.

    and just think about those business cards!

  4. Oh lordy, that woman will never be able to explain the gaps in her resume.

    Nice to know that the UK Cosmo is even taudrier than the US version.

  5. At the risk of thinking about this too much, the male member is known to be affected by various environmental factors such as temperature, and subjective factors such as … relative levels of “excited to see you”-ness.

    So, for an accurate reading, does she need photos of the equipment in a range of “poses”?

    Come to think of it, inquiring minds really DON’T want to know …

  6. “Agnes Freeman*”?

    What’s the asterisk for? WHAT DOES THAT FOOTNOTE SAY?

    Now that there is vital missing information.

  7. whoops! dunno what happened with the asterisk!

    if anyone can think of a proper title for this entry please let me know! i was too tired to use my brain at the time.

  8. “Is that a personality profile in your pocket, or are you just suffering from existential angst bought on by a general absence of warm fuzziness in your life right now? I can help, trust me …”

    May be a bit long for a title though. Plus I’m not sure I could get away with “existential angst” as a euphemism for “hornier than a ten peckered billy goat”. I think I may have too much vocabulary on my hands.

  9. I’m going to do the same as Agnes and read women’s bits for a mens publication. Does anyone know of a college where I can study? What is the qualification at the end of the course? Will I go blind? Time will tell.

  10. over a year later i noticed rory’s brilliant title suggestion for this entry… thanks so much dude 🙂

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