Back in Black

The two worst things about living in Britain are The Darkness and the darkness. It was pitch black when I hopped out of the cot this morning. Another two weeks and daylight saving will end. The will to live will be lost and I'll resume being a grumpy bastard and peeing in the wrong loo.

It chucked down en route to the bus stop yesterday. Edinburgh rain always manages to find the most annoying angle of attack, it feels like needles being shoved into your eyes and nose.

The girl in front with the Oompa Loompa orange complexion was wearing sandals. I have been here 18 months and sooner or later I will snap and scream at one of these human honey-glazed hams "AND JUST WHERE DO YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE YOU GOT THAT TAN, DICKHEAD? CERTAINLY NOT THIS COUNTRY!"

It is much more practical to be the deathly shade of white that I have cleverly cultivated. When you're walking to work in the dark it's highly reflective, thus slightly reduces your chances of being mowed down by a Lothian Bus.

Och well. The darkness is a small price to pay to live in a town where you can buy televisions and darts in the same shop.

image from

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12 thoughts on “Back in Black

  1. Teehee! On a slightly worried note, can you buy dartboards??
    Also, both The Darkness and the Wrong Loo link to the same post. I sense a possible disturbance in the force… or the water ?

  2. cheers kat 🙂 you sure can buy dartboards.

    i was (still am) editing this post LIVE this evening… sometimes people catch me in the act!

  3. orange is very big here in Holland as well. Everyone owns a sun lounge and takes those tablets. I now spend months preparing for the darkness, buying light bulbs with enormous wattage and madly booking easyjet flights to anywhere. Have you ever been to Young, in NSW? My brother lived there for a while and there is a porn shop that sells pet food, or a pet food shop that sells porn, whichever way you like to look at it. Now who came up with THAT winning combination? just popping out for some PAL honey (Nudge nudge wink wink)

    sorry….rambling comment……….

  4. Who says darts and televisions have to be mutually exclusive. Maybe there’s some strange Scottish custom you haven’t discovered yet, where people buy darts to throw them AT the television . . .

  5. “The two worst things about living in Britain are The Darkness and the darkness.”


    Gosh, don’t do that wrong toilet thing again.

    Darts n’ tellys is a peculiar combination. You might be surprised to know that in Tokyo darts is quite the phenomenon. I’ve taught many a young girl with a smart LV handbag and Tiffany’s necklace who has cited ‘darts’ as her hobby! Really!

  6. One can only hope that shop sells bestiality porn.

    And you can buy beer and whisky in Korean convenience stores. How convenient.

  7. i thought The Darkness were the best thing about england. but the darkness was definitely the worst!

    that feeling where you worry that you’re going to bump your head on the sky, it really freaks me out. i almost freaked out when i came back to australia tho cos here the sky is just too damn BIG! is there no happy medium?

    it’s a real problem being claustrophobic and agoraphobic at the same time 🙂
    (sorry, rambling!)

  8. I checked out The Darkness website.

    I mean … the world is aware that this is prank by the producers of This is Spinal Tap, right?

    Darts AND television? One might never need to leave the loungeroom again.

    Well, except to find the toilet …

  9. ‘The two worst things about living in Britain are The Darkness and the darkness.’

    it makes me laugh every time i read that.

  10. There is a shop in Harlsden in NW London that sells mobile phones and exotic lingerie. Now I wonder who their target market is?

  11. So….. enjoying The Darkness, are we?

    You’ve seen NOTHING, dearie, NOTHING until you experience Danish Darkness…. Dreary, depressing, clingy, chill, never-ending, hiberation-inducing. A twilit existence between 10am and 3pm – if you’re lucky. Really brings out the best in people.

    But at least they have the bestest pubs in Copenhagen. Try Mussen og Elefanten. Or any of the pubs on Gra Brodre Torv.

    So when are you moving to Greece? Can’t wait for that blog….

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