Chamber of Horror

Perhaps you’ve been admiring the Breakfast Pack and thinking, “Why yes that does look delicious, but how can I experience Scottish Cuisine if I’m not much of a cook?”

Thankfully there’s an abundance of outlets in Scotland offering deep-fried delights. One of my favourites is Serena, located in the Takeaway Quarter of Dunfermline, Fife. It’s two blocks of pure temptation with Chinese, Indian, Mexican and traditional Fish And Chips establishments all competing for your pound.

Strolling past is an assault of the senses, the air thick with heady aromas of lard, spice and MSG. But Serena, touting itself as a purveyor of “Exotic and Indian Cuisine”, is a standout least not for the sheer ambitiousness of its menu. Where else can you get tandoori AND baked potatoes?

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On one particular evening I fancied something Italian. According to the Serena’s menu, the Mixed Calzone came “Highly Recommended”. You can’t get a much better endorsement than that!

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I’ve had calzone before, you know, the folded-over pizza. But this turned out to be The Mother of All Calzones, a horrifying moment where Scottish and Italian cuisines collided! It began with a giant circle of pizza dough. Then on one half of the circle went a groundcover of Scottish cheddar. Next comes a heavy scattering of tandoori chicken pieces, followed by hulking handfuls of greasy doner kebab meat and great globs of onions marinated in a mysterious radioactive-red sauce. Finally, the empty half of the dough circle is stretched over the festering pile of diced animals, sealed tight and topped with yet more cheese before being popped into the oven.

When we finally dragged the hulking thing home, all we could do was saw it in half and just stand in awe, gawking at the horror within. I thought I’d seen it all after that Breakfast Pack, but this was a whole new level. I did manage to eat a few mouthfuls purely as an experiment. But even though four inches of solid protein might be okay with Doctor Atkins, the tightening in the chest area told me it was time to stop!

As always, you can see the greasy goodness for yourself over at Flickr.

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m Shauna, an author, copywriter and content mentor. I love telling stories about life and helping others to tell theirs.

Find out more about me and how we can work together – I’m now booking for August 2020.

15 thoughts on “Chamber of Horror

  1. after a night of drinking, massive lack of sleep, and an all too recent trip to McDonalds for a hangover cure (cheeseburgers rock when hungover!), that photo seriously makes me want to puke! I’ve had to move the comment window over the top of it so I don’t have to look at it hehe.

    Happy New Year Miss Shauny! *hugs*

  2. I saw your Glorious Black Pudding display the other day, and decided to check out your site. Happy New Year to you!

    My friends are trying to convince us to go for a weekend up to Edinburgh with them (we’re near London) for the DEEP FRIED PIZZA. mmm!

  3. Man, that photo wants me to puke up the slice of brie and two satsumas I just ate (did you know orange-like-tings go really well with brie? A recent discovery of mine. Rather nice). Real Italian calzone is actually very tasty, although it seems to me like the pizza-calzone relationship is very similar to the smorgsbord (however you spell it, those Austrian sandwiches with no top slice)-sandwich relationship. Hmm, I’m sure I had a point at the start of this comment, but I seem to have forgotten it by now. Ah well, I think I’ll go and get some juice, and avoid looking at that photo so I don’t hurl. 😀

  4. Ah, the joys of radioactive pseudo italian (what’s up with the TANDOORI meat in a calzone??) fast food…

    Happy Hogmanay Miss S! I hope you got first-footed by a gaggle of handsome strangers bearing coal and whiskey….

    (feel free to email for an explanation of that archaic old world tradition)

  5. Holy mother of meat, all I can think of is how that will feel coming out. Of course, my boy thinks it looks amazing and came over to the screen to look at it as I read your blog description out loud.

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