Help! There are bazillions of folks dropping in from the Bloggies site and here I am without Quality Entries to woo the voting public. All I can offer is Mild Hysteria since it's just five weeks today until me and the Kilted One get hitched.
I bought some bridal magazines. I still don't know why I did this. Perhaps I wanted a two-hundred page reminder that I have no money, time or style. Wedding Day magazine had a story on how to plan a wedding on four different budgets: £1000, £10 000, £100 000 or ONE MILLION POUNDS! For £1m they suggested buying your own Mediterranean island and icing your wedding cake with solid gold.
I was more interested in the £1000 job. They told me to save money by purchasing a vintage dress. Who actually finds decent vintage clothing unless they're a titless size 2 or work in the costume department of a happening TV show? Vintage for me will involve going to the Romanian Orphans Charity Shop in Tollcross and asking, "Has there been any donations in white polyester? Puffed sleeves? Pit-stains not too prominent?"
You and Your Wedding sounded like a friendly enough title, making the event sound comfy and managable. They probably also do You and Your Cocker Spaniel and You and Your Tracksuit. I pondered the article, Are You A Summer Bride or Winter Bride? Pollen-choked daisies or whiskey shots by a roaring fire? I don't bloody know.
Where is the option for Threat of Deportation Bride? Surely that's a niche market, I can't be the only Scot-loving Antipodean who likes to leave things to the last minute. There's no scope in these magazines for people in a hurry. They just publish bossy little Wedding Countdowns that start at least a year in advance, so you'd best take advantage of their subscription offer!
Apparently twelve months ago we should have met with our priest or rabbi and finalised the guest list. We should have picked the rings at Christmas and the Going Away Outfit should have been rotting in my wardrobe since November. What the hell is a Going Away Outfit?!
Most damning of all I was supposed to start a "skin, hair and nails regime" eleven months ago. My skin regime consists of me glaring at the alarm clock at midnight thinking, "I should get up and wash that mascara off. I should moisturise. I shouldn't sleep in stinky gym clothes".
Furthermore, the bags under my eyes are so dark and fat that it looks like I've glued on a pair of slugs from the garden. My sleep has been rubbish since Engagement Day coz I keep waking up middle of the night going "Hee hee hee!", still euphoric and unable to believe he wants to marry me. Sucker! As for the nail regime, I've never had a manicure in my life, unless you count pushing my cuticles back with the front door key.
They also tell me that beautiful bride needs to use a body brush and exfoliate regularly. The only time I exfoliate is when I have a bath at Gareth's place and have to use his Towels of Torture. He reckons fabric conditioner is environmentally-unfriendly, so the towels are so stiff you can snap them in half like a Salada biscuit. I admire your eco-warrior streak, but when I move in THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE, BUDDY! I may as well towel off with a cheese grater.