I was desperate to give Desperate Housewives another chance after scoffing at the pilot episode. I tuned in last week for Episode 4, but I still couldn't get past the horrible, horrible voiceover of the dead lady. Her saccharine, schmaltzy tones felt like piranhas were attacking my eardrums. But even more infuriating was how she just burst in and explained the hell out of Every Freaking Scene, when it was really completely unnecessary. There are actors on the screen; they are armed with dialogue and facial expressions and props! Why can't she just shut up? It didn't take long for me to lose it. The voiceover came a-wafting, "While everyone else on Hysteria Lane was fast asleep, Lynette was up all night frantically sewing costumes for the school play!". I lunged for the telly and scratched my nails at the screen, "Well DERR! Do you think we are blind!? We KNOW she is up all night sewing costumes while everyone else is asleep, because you just gave us a shot of the stupid street with the full moon squatting over it! And all the houses are dark! And what do you know — the woman is sitting in front of a SEWING MACHINE, surrounded by fabric and looking mighty vexed!" Then there was the whole storyline about the visiting mother-in-law trying to figure out if the Foxy One was having an affair. There's a shot of her on the porch, creaking away in a rocking chair, pretending to knit as she eyes the adulterous strumpet. To me this pretty much established the air of suspicion. But noooo! "Juanita was confident her daughter-in-law was having an affair. But with whom? She was just about to find out!" Foxy One walks past Gardener Boy and fails to act natural. Mother-in-law narrows eyes and starts knitting with karate-chop ferociousness. "Who are these idiots?" I cried. "Why are they doing this? Do they not know the first rule of writing… SHOW, DON'T TELL!" "There's rules of writing?" asked Gareth. "Well, I dunno. Serving suggestions, maybe. BUT, STILL!" When it was over, Gareth declared, "That was pish". He also said the voiceover reminded him of Legolas in the Lord of the Rings movies — always hovering around with nothing to do but state the bleeding obvious in breathy tones. Maybe in the deleted scenes he served a higher purpose, like the Fellowship using his cheekbones to sharpen their weapons, but for the most part Orlando does little but look pretty and make the audience scream, "No shit, mate!". For example, there's a dramatic scene where that smouldering sexpot Aragorn describes his plan to distract The Eye so Frodo can safely scuttle across Mordor and destroy the ring. Legolas pipes up helpfully, "A diversion!". Let's face it, the boy Bloom hasn't done anything too exciting since the Rings. So why not fire the Annoying Voiceover Lady and give him the Housewives gig? He is equally gifted at stating the obvious, and his elfin presence would be extra eye candy. He could float about helping the stay-at-home Mum with her tribe of boys, defrosting the fridge for the Crazy Redhead, or popping over to the Hatcher residence and whispering softly, "The Daily Planet needs you, Lois". And he'd be dead handy for the Gardener Shagging Vixen — he could gaze out the window and murmur mysteriously, "Danger approaches" if the husband comes home early from work.