It Looks Like You’re Writing A Letter

The Mothership sent a text re the last entry:

Has Tesco ever offered you such a story? I think not!

She’s right you know. I struggle for material without her around. All that travelling abroad and wedding palaver were just desperate, elaborate stunts to get new stories!

I actually have a stinking huge backlog of things to tell you, but right now I am busy writing Very Terse Letters to the Home Office. I feel like a non-citizen right now. My Working Holiday visa has expired, the Home Office has my passport and all I can do is wait around til the Government decides if our lurve is for real or if I'm just Mrs Fraudy McFraud scheming to stay in Scotland because the weather is just that fabulous!

I got a letter yesterday asking me to "please explain the highlighted deposits in [my] bank account". I'd be quite happy to explain the highlighted deposits to you Home Office buffoons, except you did not highlight any deposits! You did not enclose my bank statements with your letter! I poked and prodded every corner of that bloody envelope, I put it under a microscope then through an x-ray machine then held it up to the light in case you wrote it in lemon juice but there was nothing! NOTHING!

So now I have to write to you then after another freaking month or two perhapsd you'll write back to me then I'll write back to you then you'll write back to me and we'll play bureaucratic ping pong til I give up and run screaming back to Australia. Except I can't do that because you've got my bloody passport.

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m Shauna, an author, copywriter and content mentor. I love telling stories about life and helping others to tell theirs.

Find out more about me and how we can work together – I’m now booking for January 2022.

21 thoughts on “It Looks Like You’re Writing A Letter

  1. Tell them you’re exporting Scottish crack and laundering the money through that account. Might speed up the response time.

  2. Shauny wrote: …we’ll play bureaucratic ping pong til I give up and run screaming back to Australia

    ROFL. You poor bugger. I’m so glad I can get Right of Abode in the UK just by applying for it. *rubbing it in*

  3. I know just how you feel, Shauny. *hugs*

    When I was going throught the mountain of paperwork to move to Australia, I had to get a full physical, a chest X-Ray, and a urine test.

    The form explaining the process of the chest X-Ray said to ONLY send the results, not the actual films. And so I did.

    What did I get in my mailbox 3 months later?
    “You visa application is being held up because you neglected to include your chest x-ray films. ”

    It is my personal belief that they do this just so they can see just how serious you are about living in their country.

    Good luck, Shauny. I’m crossing my fingers and toes for ya.

  4. So if all you can do is wait around does that mean we can get some of that “stinking huge backlog”?

    *gets down on knees* Pleeeaasse…

  5. ja, globalisation is wonderful isn’t it! I had to wait ‘only’ ten months for my residence permit in the Netheralnds based on my relationship with a Dutchmen. There was no problem with it, that’s just how long it takes for them to work through the pile. After 6 months you can make an official complaint if you come from a small-but-select group of countries, including Australia, and get fast-tracked. Thast why it took only ten months! Now I’m waiting for my naturalisation to be processed. When you apply you get a letter saying “please do not contact us any earlier than 8 months after you submitted your request with questions about the progress of your application. Dus, my expectations are not high! Sterkte!

  6. My friend who was applying for citizenship in the U.S. had to swear she had never been a communist or a prostitute.

  7. The Fraudster Blogster

    The blogging world is still reeling from the shock of discovering that award winning blogger Shauna, aka what’s up pussy cat, has pulled an elaborate hoax. Readers who have been following the romantic story of Gareth and Shauna’s cross cultural wedding are said to be devastated by the news that it was all a tissue of lies to convince the Home Office to allow Shauna to remain in Scotland.

    In an exclusive interview the 24 year old redheaded Australian admitted that she been secretly emailing details of her homepage to the Home Office for over a year. “I just couldnae contemplate life without midges, bridies and lovely snowy April days so I just made it all up’.

    A Home Office spokesman declined to comment on the story but did say he found the bit about Elvis very funny.

  8. Aargh. Bureaucratic hell. At least you’re lemon-juice-aware…

    Reminds me of getting my “permit de sejour” in France, only worse.

    Britain loves you really.

  9. Crikey that’s nutthin’ girl.

    I am an Aussie Permenant Resident and that took over four years one arrest,armed compliance police always fun, and a deportation the longest 3 weekss of my life.
    So chill shauny, get them to give you a bridging visa until it is all cleared up.

    God I miss Melbourne.

    here’s to us, and those like us, gang few and they’re all deid.

    Pol x

  10. me mum used to live in france and had to get one of them “permit de sejour” as she wasn’t working but living with/off her partner she had to declare herself to be a concubine.

    I am assured that it’s meaning is less “suspect” in french

  11. Yeah, that word always surprised me. Technically I was “celibataire” which never sounded quite right either – in English you can be single without being celibate. I never did work out what “pacsé” (the next option on the list) meant – I guess it’s some sort of arrangement to be partners without being married. Anyone know?

  12. In other news…

    An Australian Blogger has discovered a country where the weather is constantly gorgeous, just the right mixture of “not too hot” but “warm enough”, the occasional light breeze and scheduled showers (4-5am every night without fail).

    Upon her discovery, she decided to call the country Scotland, causing much confusion for the people of, what has now been dubbed “Scotland 1st”.

    (with apologies to ab for stealing the ‘news bulletin’ comment format!!)

  13. Oh Happy Days …

    Living in sin was much more fun hey! They are lloking for the 30 pieces of silver and I was not the one to betray you Shauny ;-D

    No doubt blues now give a new meaning to Orwellian life

  14. Poor poor Shauny, I’m sure they’ll let you stay… Well, maybe.

    I’m half Scot so when I flew into London from Melbourne for a holiday last June I had my British passport ready and was whisked through as if I was royalty, smirking at all the other Aussie plebs along the way. Little did they know the havoc I would wreak over the next month or so, bwahahaaaaa…

    Dual citizenship rawks! And yes, Melbourne is the greatest city in the world – apart from possibly New York, and Edinbrugh only lost out because of the Brewery stench and skanks in mini skirts.

  15. Ah, dual citizenship. It does rock. But tri-citizenship rocks HARDER! If I had a lot of money and time, I would plastic surgery myself into a Shauna clone, get my UK passport reissued and send it over…but as it is…I can only send dollops of good luck….

  16. You may be interested to know that here in America, the land of the paranoid, they will no longer accept my blood. Apparently living in the UK for 7 months (despite my adamantly professed vegetarianism) makes me inelegible due to potential mad cow transmission. Now there’s an excuse.

  17. that pol is a friggin liar. the old crew is still here and waiting patiently for him to come home to bonny Melbourne. Jeebus pol, how is one supposed to raise a child WITHOUT the assistance of a loudmouth drunken scottish skinhead i ask you.

  18. Shauny,

    you can trust BillyJoeNoodleBob, that is probably the finest description of me yet.


    pol x

  19. Nope. You’re marriage is the genuine article. Who in their right mind would scheme to get a Scots passport? The fact that the Scots would flatter themselves enough to think someone would concoct an elaborate marital ruse to get a Scots passport is a whole blog entry in itself. On the other hand I’d have my suspicions about a Scotsman wanting an Ozzy passport.

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