Being an expatriate can make me feel stupid. Why?
- I don't know enough about Britain to feel like I am in touch with Britain.
- I no longer know enough about Australia to feel like I'm in touch with Australia.
I've tried to keep up for the past three years. First I swot up on the British newspapers in order to bluff my way through conversations about the Scottish Premier League or Jodie Marsh or what's going down at Westminster. Then I devour the Sydney Morning Herald online so I can dash off casual emails back home, How about that Bali Nine?
Somehow I thought that by sustaining a surface knowledge of politics, culture, sport and rubbish reality television I could soothe this need to feel like I'm part of both places. I want to ferret my way into Scotland yet I stubbornly refuse to let go of Australia.
But trying to keep one foot on each continent makes for a very exhausting inner thigh stretch. Hey you Scottish people, I want to say. I may talk funny but I know all about the Six Nations and if you look closely you'll notice after three years I am just as pale as you now! At the same time I'm shouting to the Aussies, Helloooo! I'm still here! Even though I'm over there. Nothing's changed! I've not changed. Despite what you may think. And I've kept up with Canberra. I know who won all the Australian Idols since I've been gone.
Really, I know bugger all. Over here it's the lack of background information that lets me down. I'll be rolling along quite nicely in a Scottish conversation when someone will say, "Mind that thing that happened in 1986?" and all the natives go, "Oh aye" and I go "Oh shit" because I'm oot of it from then on.
The point of this entry was to explain that because of this inability to keep up, I have no idea How The Freaking Hell Eddie Maguire Became The Chief Executive of Channel Nine. When I left Australia in 2003, Eddie was the bloke who hosted Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. To me he was just a cheesy goon whose biggest skill was how to make one multiple choice question span half an hour of television. How does one leap from Asking The Audience to Running The Network?
I realise this is an inadequate entry after a fortnight's silence, but after many moons of blogging, sometimes you just stop for awhile, look at all this as if floating above and think, "Bloody hell. I'm writing silly stories and putting them out there where anyone could find them. I'M A WANKER!". If someone could explain about Eddie though, that would be tops.