Today we explore some of the dazzling delights on offer in Scottish supermarkets… Before we begin, some disclaimers:
- Picture quality is utterly shite due to use of a cameraphone. After the Ham Man yelled at me in Lisbon, I’m too wimpy to risk anything more than hurried phone snaps!
- I don’t claim that these treats are necessarily unique to Britain, they’re merely things that I didn’t know about til I got here. And life is a whole lot richer for having discovered them!
First we began in the meat section. I’m always in awe of the creativity of British fleshsmiths, how they stretch the very definition of meat. On the left is glorious sponge-like Lorne Sausage (previously featured in the Breakfast Pack). On the right is the Pork and Egg Slice – slabs o’ pig with built-in hard-boiled eggs! Both a steal at just 97p.
Of course, before you tuck into these mysterious meats, you’ll want some solidified animal fat to fry them in.
If you’re entertaining, look no further than these cocktail sausages. These shrivelled babies were on sale this week and flying off the shelves.
Parents! Are your little brats refusing the flesh? Lure them back into the carnivorous fold with these delicious feats of meat manufacture!
If you can’t tempt them with the teddy, how about a turkey dinosaur or Barbie?
When I heard the word “filler”, I’d think gooey stuff that you use to plug a hole in the wall, like Selleys NoMoreGaps. But now I know that filler is gooey stuff that you put on a sandwich. Here you have a choice of Seafood Cocktail or Chicken and Sweetcorn, both drowning in mayonnaise.
Heinz Sandwich Filler HAM with Salad Vegetables needs no refrigeration, just keep up the back of the pantry in case you ever fancy Spew on Toast.
Now here’s some stuff you can get in tins. First the usual suspects: Slices of Beef in a tin, Hamburgers in a tin, Hot Dogs in a tin and Chopped Pork in a tin. “More taste,” threatens the Chopped Pork label, “Just try it!”.
Beef Pie in a tin! Beef Pudding in a tin!
Haggis in a tin! A&B in a tin! (A&B apparently stands for, “Aberdeen Beef and Belfast Ham”, not “arseholes and bollocks” as Gareth suggested, but then again I didn’t read the ingredients label.)
And one for the sweet toothed, Choco Hoops! Which will only be amusing if you’re an immature Scotsman.
But if you’re too posh for sugar and artifical colourings in the morning, right down the bottom of the vast cereal aisle you will find the designated Healthy area.