Risk Assessment

On Tuesday we got the train into Edinburgh.

“So that woman with the keys, does she always have to open and close the doors?”

“The conductor? Yes, that’s her job.”

“Does she have to open and close the doors at every station?”

“Yes, every station.”

“What about in the event of an emergency?”


“Does she still have to open and close the doors then?”

“Umm… I imagine so. Unless she was indisposed by the emergency. Actually, I DON’T KNOW.”

“Well she’s the only one with the keys.”

“Mum, have you noticed that you always manage to think of the absolute WORST case scenario in every situation?”

She peered out across the water for a long minute. “Wow, you’re right! I do do that, don’t I?”

This morning we said some teary goodbyes as she embarked on the London leg of her Tour de Offspring. The flat seems rather quiet and dull now; I shall write more when I recover.

Meanwhile Gareth is back to his normal routine, ie. running over to me at regular intervals and farting in all-too close proximity. When I protest he just says, “It’s been four days. FOUR DAYS!”

About Shauna Reid

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12 thoughts on “Risk Assessment

  1. Hi Shauna,Opening and closing the train doors with a key? I agree with the Mothership on this one…
    Can’t wait to read more of the Mothership’s visit. Hope you are enjoying the Cherry Ripes and Cadbury Top Deck – did you know that there are different flavours in this now? The original is the best, the 3 layer ones with strawberry and caramel are pretty sickly but I did find it necessary to taste test them all.
    Irn-Bru has come to Australia, I bought some at Safeway last week – its OK but NOTHING compares with Schweppes Traditional Sarsaparilla -mmmmmmmmmm!
    I’ll have a Cherry Ripe icecream today in your honour!

    Tracey from Melbourne.

  2. Hope she and you had a good time.

    And give Gareth a break, us men are born to fart, and it’s unnatural to keep them in for more than a few hours… (say when the Queen visits).. in fact I think four days might qualify him for Guinness Book of Records status.

    Well done that man.

  3. Shauny – hope you and the mothership had a good visit.

    My partner farts all the bloody time – he always says “I’ll stop doing it when you stop laughing” – usually I’m not laughing…..bastard!!

  4. Chin up Shauna, Rhi’s go.

    And threaten G with a thorough CORKING!

    Irn Bru.

    I think you have to grow up with it.

    I now prefer the sugar free version.

    You seee there is hope for the health of scotland, says the booze hound cigar smoker who is about to tuck into a bacon sausage and egg roll.

    Pol x

  5. I asked a Scottish friend who lives here (Aus) and she said that the Irn Bru that we get in Safeway is just a concentrate, it’s not the real deal. The only way to buy the “real” stuff is to buy it in a can from shops that sell imported stuff. I was getting really excited too thinking that I could try what the Scots rave about! oh well 🙂

  6. Danielle,

    I think your friend might be being too precious about the Bru. It’s not like it’s Guinness or something.

    To be “pure” The Bru should be bought in an ice cold GLASS bottle and gulped greedily in the watery sunlight of a Sauchiehall Street Saturday morning byt those suffering a weapons grade hang over.

    Days long gone by so a plazzy bottle of of the diet stuff is fine in this Weejies wee book.

  7. I checked my Rules of Marriage handbook to see whether you have just cause to be upset with Gareth over his malodorous indiscretion. The official ruling is that you can only chastise Gareth if you can solemnly swear that you have never committed a similar act where you were the offending party and he was the victim. Furthermore, whether or not you actually admitted to being the gaseous offender at the time is irrelevent.

  8. Breaking wind “right next to your head” is an especially egregious foul. An immediate red card should be issued resulting in a purple nurple penalty. That should break him of the habit.

  9. George – any rules on farting in the car on a cold night so it is impossible to have the windows down for any length of time???

  10. Nicole,
    It depends on who’s driving. If the offender is driving, then you can’t retaliate until you are safely stopped. On the other hand, if you are driving (or if you are both passengers) then you have free reign to retaliate right away.

  11. what offends me the most is when mine walks into the room I am in, farts, and then goes back into the room he is in… leaving me with all the pain and no pleasure.

    and yes he is a ‘weegie!

    we recently found diet-iron bru in woolies in Sydney… happy days for hangovers!

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