On the way to the train station yesterday I went by a posh clothing boutique and there was a mannequin in the window wearing a very lovely frock. Flattering-to-redheads green, flattering-to-dumpy-gal wrap style, and 50% off! But I was running late so I carried on.

I was meeting an excellent Internet Friend for the first time, and even though I have lost count of the number of excellent Internet Friends I have met in person over the past decade I still get ridiculously nervous every time. My teeth chatter and my face burns and I have to go wee about twenty-seven times. I was early so I fiddled with my hair and pretended to be casually texting Other Friends on my phone which is difficult with gloves on. Mfhuul grffc mgigu.

Anyway, my Internet Friend arrived and instantly she was as Excellent as I knew she'd be so I relaxed and we headed for a coffee shop. I was feeling quite cool and calm as I put down my bag and removed my hat and plucked off the gloves and unwound the scarf and finally… unbuttoned my coat.

"Oh, hey!" she said, "Your zip is undone."

Just. Bloody. Brilliant.

Really must stop getting dressed in the dark.

Later on I walked past Posh Boutique again with vague intentions of trying on the frock. Sure enough the mannequin was in the window, exactly as I'd left her; still wearing the lovely green dress with a strand of sparkly beads draped around her headless stump of a neck.

There was one difference, though. The flattering V-neckline now plunged considerably further than it had that morning. How do I put this? THE TITS WERE HANGING OUT OF THE DRESS.

Had someone asked to see the frock, then saleslady put it back in the window in a great hurry? Or had some bored husband made the adjustment while waiting for his missus to try on her 39th outfit? Either way, two white and shiny plastic boobs were beaming out at the street and entertaining all the passers-by.

Suddenly I lost all desire to try the dress on; after giving an eyeful of undies to someone I'd just met, it just looked too dangerous.

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! Iโ€™m Shauna, an author, copywriter and content mentor. I love telling stories about life and helping others to tell theirs.

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19 thoughts on “Flash

  1. Sympathy… I hope the meeting went better after that. At least you have the nerve to, you know, actually meet up with people.

    Wrap dresses are terrible that way. I’ve sewn velcro into a few to stop them inadvertently doing that on me!

  2. Very funny post as usual – and believe me, I need cheering up right now – but: repeat after me: “I am not dumpy”.

    Apart from the fact that you’re lovely (unless you’ve digitially enhanced photos of yourself)one cannot be dumpy at 5’8 or whatever you are. I’m 5’3, at best. Dumpy would be an optimistic way to describe myself.

    Hello Kirsten, by the way. (She’s my daughter.) Are you having fun in Worcester?

    Have a good New Year, Shauna. I noticed on the front of the Evening News that 65 mph winds are forecast for Edinburgh on New Year’s Eve. Wear heavy shoes or stay inside.

  3. OH I meant to say LUMPY. That’s more like it ๐Ÿ™‚

    And I hope you have a good New Year too, Isabelle. I don’t like the sound of those winds, sounds a bit like 2003 when the whole street party thing got cancelled. Might stay in with Jools Holland and a bottle of port! Hehe.

  4. Dearest

    Go back and try the dress on – small safety pins are great for wrap dresses….it would look fabulous on you! Why are you resisting?

    Own who you are now – the body is now matching the woman – flaunt it. My shout on the dress.

    Love ya – get it for New Year and wear the Bloody Thing!

    PS Glad your meeting with Excellent Internet Friend went well – like attracts like.

  5. Whoops…forgot something…get the beads too if you like them…I’ll include them in my shout!

    Love again

  6. Dear Mothership,
    Hello! Thanks a bunch… you are verrrry kind and generous to offer and i am… owning? but the frock was a very small size. and the shop was full of people and I hate people, especially when they’re crammed into a tiny shop during post-Xmas sales ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. (It’s like the Mother And Child Reunion in here today.)

    I can just HEAR your voice in your comments Ma, it is so funny ๐Ÿ™‚ Hope you and B-Dog are having a good day xxox

  8. ‘Tis almost as good as a phone call…

    I understand about the ‘lots of people in shop’ syndrome (I get the same feeling) but there was a dress in there for you! Pity you didn’t have Rhi there to force the issue…

    Have a wonderful day too…I’m off to Sanity to buy some DVDs but don’t have tele at moment. Makes sense, doesn’t it!

    B up and about….scoffing chopped kidney for brekkie.

    Love ya

  9. No tele? You’ll have to fill me in on that one later.

    Have a good day then! I’m off to watch the Ashes highlights.

    In case anyone is wondering, B the chopped kidney scoffer is Bert, the dog.

  10. Damn,

    I didn’t know you could have Audiences with her Shauniness! I would have asked when I was in Edinburgh last year. Instead I almost ran out of space going to the top of the Scott Memorial (no relation).

    Hi Shauny’s Mum! You’ve probably noticed that Shauny made the right decision going to Edinburgh – lovely people up there. Not like London where it’s always grumpy ๐Ÿ™

    My fashion advice – avoid hats. The number of women who have Bad Hat Days well exceeds Bad Hair Days. Dangerous fashions!

    Happy New Year and Hogmanay!

    Scott F ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. This is the best. I live in the US but I spent a year in Oz as an exchange student and hearing the mother/daughter chat SO reminds me of my host mum!! Brings back the best memories!


  12. Blogmeets are, it has to be said, a lot of fun. I’ve attended quite a few Scottish Blogmeets, and all of the people I’ve met there have been excellent. You’d think that bloggers would be a bunch of self-obsessed opinionated people – but it’s the opposite – warm, generous and open people. Excellent people.

  13. Buy the dress!

    It sounds fab. Wrap dresses are the best, they hide a multitude of sins, if you wear a little camisole or vest (H&M) underneath there is no fear your tits will ever fall out. And as your mother says (and mother’s are always right) small safety pins hold the dress together admirably.

    I have 7 and cant pass one without trying it on to see if it will make it into my wardrobe. They are the most comfortable clothes you will wear; thick tights, knee high boots in winter and you are toasty; flats or flip flops in summer and you are cool as a breeze.

    If you still think about it and wish you had it, get yourself down to the shop and try it on at least. You wont regret it.

    Happy new year, and thanks for another year of great reading.

    S x

  14. Immortalized on one of your blogs — I am speechless (a rare thing, you probably know).

    Go try on the dress! If I had known I would have said we should skip the tea and head for the shop.

    Happy New Year!

  15. hiya

    happy new year shauna , dr g mothership rhi etc etc..

    buy the dress.. but avoid skipping… unless youre meeting me for coffee, in which case you can skip as much as you like!


  16. I am scared of blogmeets AND wrap dresses… I suspect my problem recently with the latter may be that I am optimistically still trying on a size smaller than I really should and then decide “wrap dresses just don’t fit me”.

    But us Londoners, well some of us, are very friendly, honest, too… (hmmm, memories of getting pissed off with tourists and other Londoners whilst out and about whizzing through my brain).

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