On the way to the train station yesterday I went by a posh clothing boutique and there was a mannequin in the window wearing a very lovely frock. Flattering-to-redheads green, flattering-to-dumpy-gal wrap style, and 50% off! But I was running late so I carried on.
I was meeting an excellent Internet Friend for the first time, and even though I have lost count of the number of excellent Internet Friends I have met in person over the past decade I still get ridiculously nervous every time. My teeth chatter and my face burns and I have to go wee about twenty-seven times. I was early so I fiddled with my hair and pretended to be casually texting Other Friends on my phone which is difficult with gloves on. Mfhuul grffc mgigu.
Anyway, my Internet Friend arrived and instantly she was as Excellent as I knew she'd be so I relaxed and we headed for a coffee shop. I was feeling quite cool and calm as I put down my bag and removed my hat and plucked off the gloves and unwound the scarf and finally… unbuttoned my coat.
"Oh, hey!" she said, "Your zip is undone."
Just. Bloody. Brilliant.
Really must stop getting dressed in the dark.
Later on I walked past Posh Boutique again with vague intentions of trying on the frock. Sure enough the mannequin was in the window, exactly as I'd left her; still wearing the lovely green dress with a strand of sparkly beads draped around her headless stump of a neck.
There was one difference, though. The flattering V-neckline now plunged considerably further than it had that morning. How do I put this? THE TITS WERE HANGING OUT OF THE DRESS.
Had someone asked to see the frock, then saleslady put it back in the window in a great hurry? Or had some bored husband made the adjustment while waiting for his missus to try on her 39th outfit? Either way, two white and shiny plastic boobs were beaming out at the street and entertaining all the passers-by.
Suddenly I lost all desire to try the dress on; after giving an eyeful of undies to someone I'd just met, it just looked too dangerous.