I highly recommend shacking up with a foreigner, as cultural differences help keep the magic alive. Today is my and Dr G’s fifth wedding anniversary and we still manage to surprise each other. At least when it comes to words. Just when I think I’ve heard all his wacky phrases, he dredges up another doozy. Like STARVE.
I first fell victim to Starve when he was eating a Mars bar and I was staring longingly at it.
“Do you want a bite?”
“What do YOU think?” I said, moving in for the kill.
Just as I was about to take a bite, he yoinked the chocolate out reach and cackled, “STARVE!”
Apparently this originated at his primary school, when little kids would tease other little kids with promises of bites of lunches, only to cruelly withdraw their offers. You can just picture them in the playground all full of glee, “Hey, want a crisp?…. STARVE!”
I’m not sure if the phrase extended beyond his school but nevertheless it’s brilliant, albeit incredibly frustrating when you’re on the receiving end of it.
Its usefulness extends beyond food – it makes a concise substitute for the likes of “get stuffed” or “over my dead body”. Examples:
- If the boss thinks I am working overtime this weekend, he can starve.
- If you think I am going to wash your filthy socks you can starve.
- If they’re going to charge £50 for that shithouse t-shirt they can starve!
Etc etc etc.
Gareth’s favourite Australian phrase is SHAME JOB. Again I’ve not heard it used beyond the borders of my rural New South Wales home town – if anyone out there is familiar with it I’d love to hear from you!
Shame Job is a cry of mockery and scorn. In a school full of pimply teenagers there were plenty of opportunities to use it. The basic procedure is:
Hapless kid does something embarassing ==> Nearest gaggle of students point and shriek in unison: SHAME JOB!
- Kid trips over a rock and goes flying… SHAME JOB!
- Kid makes a failed chat-up attempt at the school disco… SHAME JOB!
- Kid wears their jumper inside out or gets dacked* in the playground… SHAME JOB!
* dacked is the act of some cruel bastard sneaking up behind you and pulling down your tracky dacks (sweatpants/tracksuit bottoms) so the general public gets a look at your unfortunate undies.
Shame Job works best with a broad Australian accent. You must bellow it loud and pack as many vowels as possible into the shame bit, so it becomes: SHAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYUM JOB!
Shame Job is now our default phrase for when one us does something stupid or if someone on the telly is doing something stupid. Try it on your friends next time they cock something up – I guarantee you it’s fantastic fun.