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The Adventures of Bird Crap Girl

“Hey. HEY! I THINK A BIRD SHAT ON YOU!”

I received this news in the science lab, during the first term of my first year of high school. I’d come from a tiny country primary school with just five people in my grade. Now I was in the scary high school with all the kids from the big primary schools who already knew each other and had trendy sneakers and snogging experience.

I just wanted to blend in. To slink into class, hide up the back and never be noticed. But it was hard, with the ginger hair and the tubbiness and the wrong skirt. The Mothership was a busy working woman and had ran out of time to sew the prescribed knee-length straight navy skirt before term began, so I’d had to wear an old one of hers. It was the required navy, but it was A-line, mid-calf with an elastic waist. I looked sort of Amish.

And now to take the wrongness up a level, apparently a bird had crapped on me.

I thought I’d felt a sudden plop on my back as we waited outside lab for the teacher to arrive, but I’d figured it was a leaky ceiling, or a big gob of spit expelled from the balcony. But no, it was BIRD SHIT, as the girl sitting behind me kept saying in a really loud stage whisper.

“It’s right down the back of your shirt,” she went on gleefully, “It’s greeny brown and gross and HUGE!”

Well of course it bloody was; we were in Australia after all. No beast in our skies would have a delicate output.

Possible culprit
Possible culprit

I ran though the response options:

a) Ask the teacher for a toilet pass so I could go wash the shirt under a tap.
But that meant walking past five rows of desks and letting everyone have a good gawk at me.

b) Nod and smile like I already knew about it and was totally cool with the adornment.
But it was an hour-long period. I pictured the stain drying and festering in the February heat.

What to do, what to do!?Β  Just a month into high schoool and I was going to get branded Bird Crap Girl before I had a chance to win them over with personality. Life is so mortifying when you’re twelve.Β I prayed for someone to set someone else on fire with a Bunsen burner to create a diversion.

In the end I went with option c) Shrug helplessly as my face turned red, so red it blended seamlessly with my hair and eyebrows like a great red orb of shame!

I can’t remember if it was the teacher or another student who came over and said, for all the class to hear, “Apparently it’s good luck if a bird craps on you!”.

The jig was up, so I got my pass and slunk off to the loos in my wrong skirt and shitty shirt.

Why am I telling you this? It popped into my head because Monday was the 13th birthday of this blog, and I was wondering if I’d ever showed up anywhere else for thirteen years in a row. School was the only other thing I could think of, and school is often a montage of shame and incompetence isn’t it?

I remember someone wrote a post in the early noughties about how blogging was like high school. Yes, I guess it can be cliquey and competitive. And when I write a post I still feel like the self-conscious, tubby ginger never wearing the right thing. But at least there’s no exams and no uniform to worry about it. And if there’s bird crap on my back, you guys would never know! In the game of School versus Blogging, it’s blogging FTW!

Thank you anyone out there reading this thing. You rawk!

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About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m an author, copywriter and old school blogger. I love telling stories about life and helping my clients to tell theirs. Find out more about me and how we can work together.


28 thoughts on “The Adventures of Bird Crap Girl

  1. 13 years – fantastic! Happy blog anniversary. I spent my entire schooldays wondering how it was that everyone else seemed to know what was going on, when it all bewildered me. Not the schoolwork, everything else.

    1. “I spent my entire schooldays wondering how it was that everyone else seemed to know what was going on, when it all bewildered me”… oh, so well said πŸ™‚

  2. Thirteen years is ancient in blog years – congratulations! And I agree that it is far far more fun than school – my school wasn’t as tiny as yours but going from a little country school to a school in a large town was a shock to me. Blogging has often felt like dancing like no one is watching. And at least we can delete annoying emails and spam comments.

  3. Ooh, happy blog birthday, Shauna. I thought I was pretty enduring, coming up to my seventh blogiversary in a few months, but you take out the persistence trophy!

  4. Thank you for being here to let us know we are not alone in our struggles. School was nothing but a series of humiliations for this weirdo xxx

  5. Happy Blogiversary!!! Love all your stuff, and it surprises me you feel bashful re: writing–I enjoy everything you type up here in interweb-space. All so real. =) And SO funny. =) Hooray for Shauna typing!!!

    In high school (where I’d moved to from far away so was def. NOT in any cliques) I was SUPER excited ’cause I got to buy one BEAUTIFUL pair of RED pants from a “tall gals” store (1 time only trip, ’cause it was far away & we were not flush). I adored those things. Got compliments. On that first day, I felt like I’d gotten a win. Then a bird crapped on the back of my leg. WHITE bird poop on REALLY BRIGHT RED, SUPER LONG PANTS is REALLY visible. End victory walk.

    However, I was years older than that super vulnerable little 12-year-old Shauna, so it was not as devastating. Poor little girlie. Wish I could go back in time and take her shopping.

    If it’s any consolation, while walking to work in my 20s (early park ranger days), I actually had a woman stop me and ask if I was Amish, based on my super plain, cotton skirt (a-line, mid-calf, etc.) and matching (I thought maybe cute?) sleeveless top. I’m really not good at picking out clothes, apparently. Maybe that’s why I liked working for an organization where THEY picked out my outfit (and giant flat hat). =)

    Honestly, yours is one of my favorite blogs ever, so I hope you keep writing and writing (maybe another book?? hmmm????). Let us know if there’s anything we can do to encourage you to write. =) xoxoxo!

    (does one get cake on one’s blogiversary? or a new bike?)

  6. 13 years! Awesome! As for the bird crap….been there, done that! Ugh! As for fitting in the first year in the “big” school…….I was also the tubby girl in the wrong clothes. πŸ™ We survived and look how brilliantly we’ve turned out!
    Love ya Shauna!

  7. Happy Anniversary!!

    Yep! If I am going to have a big shaking in my boots nightmare even now at 49 it is always set in High School. Back then the highs were higher and the lows were the lowest. I think we should all pat ourselves on the back for just surviving those years!

  8. “Well of course it bloody was; we were in Australia after all. No beast in our skies would have a delicate output.” <– HAHAHAHA! So true! I had a maggie poop on my head during a recent bike ride. Not in any way a fun experience. =\
    On another note, congrats on 13 years of bloggy awesomeness – what an achievement! πŸ™‚

  9. Shauna–this blog made me remember why I make sure to read absolutely every word you have ever written. It was hilarious and poignant. I hated smiling to myself at your predicament because I felt your pain, but it was just too well written–I had to laugh! Happy Lucky #13 Blogiversary and here’s to many more!

  10. Woot! Woot! Your blog is now officially a teenager πŸ™‚

    All I can say about high school is THANK GOD I went before mobile phones and Facebook. I can only imagine the horrors that these poor kids have to endure thanks to camera phones and the ever-present internet. At least when we were in high school you could go home and escape all of the crap that goes with being a teenager.

  11. awww that is so awful and how wonderful that you got that supportive comment. I was on my way back to the library at uni when a duck shat on me from a great height – I was COVERED in poo and I REEKED and I had to go the full length of the basement floor of the nice warm library to get my stuff!!! I hate ducks
    Congrats on the blog longevity – we’re lucky to have you

  12. Poignant and hilarious, bless you! It brought to mind my ‘double dirt’ memory of walking to work near Aberdeen harbour when I was 18. I was rocking the Aztec Camera/Orange Juice indie look (not Amish!) with a 60’s suede jacket I loved so much. I was waiting to cross the pavement at a fish merchants en route. A seagull christened me with the biggest offload of shit, hitting both my cheek and the shoulder of my beloved jacket. As I ferreted in my bag for tissues and tried to stay cool and unassuming, a lorry turned into the yard. It had the remains of ice and fish ‘bree’ (the skanky remains of gutted fish) that slid off the side of the lorry as it turned sharply into the yard. For the second time that day, I was christened by unholy water. Suede is an unforgiving material and despite my desperate hope the stench and stains would fade, I had to bin the Roddy Framette look :0(

    1. Oh dude! That is truly horrific (but comedy gold, I hope you feel in hindsight :)) I bet a seagull on a diet of chips must’ve left a mighty mark πŸ™‚

  13. I am SO GLAD these horrible things happen to you, because otherwise I’d think I’m the only one birds shit upon, the only one whose tampon leaks in white pants, who sneezes and ends up with two handfuls of snot, who lets rip a giant fart during study hall, who pukes all over the dining room table after consuming a can of black olives. And those are just the incidents I’m not too embarrassed to tell about!

    Happy adolescence to your blog πŸ™‚

  14. I’m not really *late* to the party, just extending the celebration. How’s it feel to be a teen-ager? Congratulations and THANK YOU for sharing your wisdom, humor, support and inspiration all these years. Keep it coming!

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