Barrowland Ballroom, Glasgow

Get off my lawn!

Three moments last week:

#1 – Gareth asked me about the upcoming Glastonbury Festival lineup, so I read out a selection of bands from the website.

“Florence + The Machine. Kanye West. Pharrell Williams. Lionel Richie in the granddad slot. On the Other Stage… Chemical Brothers, Rudimental, Deadmou5. Who the hell are Deadmou5?”

Gareth cackled at my pronounciation. “It’s not dead-mao-five! It’s DEADMOUSE.”

“Bullshit. That makes no sense!”

“Oh come on, you know Deadmau5? He’s the one that wears the big mouse head on stage.”


“Never heard of him. That’s a number 5, not an S!”

“Ha ha! I’m more down with the kids than you!”

“Dead Mao Five sounds better. I’d love to be in Dead Mao Five!”

This may be the point where I start getting the names of things wrong. Just like The Mothership mangling catchphrases (answering machine message: This is ET! Ring home!) and asking me to please tape Fox Files.

Hey I'm Fox, come and have a gander at my files
Hey I’m Fox, come and have a gander at my files


#2 – A bunch of little kids from down the street busted into the next door’s yard to fill up their bottles at the tap and have a big water fight. Then they scurried off and left the tap running. Nothing sets me off like water wastage. Just because it never bloody stops raining in this country doesn’t mean we should flood the streets for sport!

So when they came back for a refill I hammered on our living room window and shouted, “HEY. HEY! TURN OFF THAT TAP, YOU KIDS!”

Ahh it felt great. Of course I said it while hiding at the edge of the window frame so they couldn’t see me, because I’m kind of scared of them.


#3 – On Sunday we went to Glasgow for Mogwai’s 20th Anniversary gig. Doors opened at 6pm with three support acts before Mogwai at 9.30. We checked into the Premier Inn late afternoon and Gareth promptly fell asleep because he is elderly and the Premier Inn beds are so comfy compared to our own complete shitbox of a bed.

So I read my book and kept checking my watch. I should wake him, we’re missing the support acts. Then I imagined being on my feet for all those hours, trying to balance good hydration with the need for loo breaks. Ahh, I’ll let him sleep. In the end I sounded the alarm at 9pm and we arrived at the Barrowlands ten minutes before Mogwai came on. And I insisted on standing towards the back because I wanted air and a hint of personal space.

I justified this doddering behaviour by telling myself I’d done my time right down the front of gigs. All those years covered in other people’s sweat, supporting the support acts and passing out stone cold from excitement.

Still, I felt panicky as Mogwai took the stage. What if I didn’t feel anything anymore? What if I wished I’d stayed home and listened to the record? But thankfully from the very first note… kapow. I was hit by that awesome Mogwai feeling of being smacked in the guts with multiple guitars. Sure, the desire for excitement is battling with a need for comfort. But it’s not over! I’m still aliiiiiiiiive!

About Shauna Reid

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19 thoughts on “Get off my lawn!

  1. a few years ago I was reading out the Twitter feed for the hottest 100 and told my husband and friend that dead mau 5 had come in at number [whatever]. The hilarity that ensued in their part continues to this day whenever it is either Hottest 100 time or DeadMau5 are played anywhere. The shame. It’s like the time I thought Phoebe in the Babysitters Club was pronounced ‘Fobe’…

    1. Ahh Ellie that’s gold!!! I’m so glad I’m not the only one! I can see your logic with Fobe, too 🙂

  2. I LOVE the old-people-mixing-of-catchphrases thing. My mum kept insisting that the movie Flight of the Navigator was, in fact, Flight of the Terminator. While that would have been awesome, I’m fairly sure it didn’t happen.

  3. My mom and grandmom do the mix-up thing too. And I used to hate it. Being a perfectionist and all. And now I do it. 😉 Sigh. Life is pushing me towards just laughing about it.

  4. I used to think INXS was inks… Makes you feel a bit daft but luckily heard it said on the radio & it clicked! Told my next door neighbour’s son off for getting his ball without asking. At the time I was living alone & it bit nervous. This was almost 20 years ago & he still doesn’t speak to me!!

  5. oh gigs where you stand up and get pressed against sweaty bodies and have people spill beer over you is no longer my idea of fun but would love to see mogwai

    I’m no good at telling off kids but people I know who are teachers are brilliant – if you want to get any tips ask a teacher – my mum in particular was good at scaring kids (including me) because she was a teacher

    1. So was mine, Johanna! I bet your Mum can do that “stop you in your tracks with just a look” thing too??!

  6. For a good while, I made ‘FAQ’ into a word that means something else. Think k not q and a short ‘ah’.

  7. It’s not because I’m old, but I always pronounce “URL” as “earl,” and am surprised I seem to be the only one who does. “earl” – one syllable. “you are ell” – three syllables.

    Efficiency wins over intelligibility.

  8. I say it as “url” too, at least in my head, but then I am also verging on old. Then again, my kids are at the age where they come up with creatively off-target names for things all the time. The first time it’s funny; the sixteenth time it’s annoying!

    I had a landlord once who would have given the Mothership a run for her money on malapropisms. I can’t remember them all, but he always called Matalan “Mataland”. And there was a talent-contest TV programme at the time called Operatunity. I can’t really think now why he had reason to mention it to me repeatedly, but he always called it “Big Opportunities”.

  9. Oh good, it’s not just me.

    Did I mention I waited on the phone for nearly 10 minutes to tell of an innocent telephone person about the poor wording of her company’s letters?

    Grey birds Unite!

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