Today The Mothership turns 60!
I stand by all the warm and fuzzy things I wrote on her 50th, so I wanted to share with you ten of my favourite Mothership moments.
Happy birthday, dearest Mum – I love you loads. Thank you for keeping me on the straight and narrow for 38.5 years. Thank you for providing me with things to blog about for nearly 16 of them. Can’t wait for your royal visit next month!
1. On real estate:
MOTHERSHIP: Three flights of stairs? I don’t think I can do this very often.
SHAUNA: That’s the idea.
M: Don’t you go insane from everyone else’s noise?
S: I heard people having sex this morning.
M: Don’t you worry about being trapped on the third floor?
M: I see you have a balcony. Has anyone tried to break in yet?
M: You’ll be burgled if you don’t burn to death. How much rent are you paying?
“Are you cold, Gareth? You’re sitting there shivering!”
“Oh I’m fine, Mrs -”
“Don’t bullshit me, Gareth!”
“I am having trouble finding things on the Internet lately.”
“Have you tried Google?”
“Google? Is that www G-O-G-G-L-E dot com?”
“No, that’s goggle.”
“Oh. So if I type google in to Yahoo, will I find Google?”
4. On the death of our beloved dog Bert:
“Kimba is famous for its Big Galah, lovely sandstone buildings and as the birthplace of “Cats” midfielder, Corey Enright. Can’t ask much more of a town of around 800 people.
Oh, did I mention that you can buy a pair of jeans for $2, a collarless shirt for $1, a paperback mystery novel for 10c, home-grown lemons for 5c each or a like-new dressing gown (Giovanni) for $2? You can get all this and more from the Uniting Church Op Shop.”
6. And another:
“Yesterday morning whilst enjoying my rolled oats, I was fortunate enough to witness a lovely sight – a black and white border collie, tail waving enthusiastically…
The dog was full of life, not pulling on his lead, but bouncing along on three legs. The rear right side leg was missing.
I figure I need to remember my own blessings and bounce through life more often.”
7. On my brilliant career:
“Hope your receptionist job goes well – you can do anything with all that experience working at KFC!”
8. On literature:
“I really need to read that book, Let’s Talk About Lionel.”
See also film:
“Shauna, have you seen that new thriller, Tinker Tailor Sailor Spy?”
9. On Paris:
“Well, you know what they say about Paris. Pickpockets and bum pinchers. That’s what it’s all about. If they’re not stealing your wallet they’re pinching you on the arse.”
10. On health and safety:
On Tuesday we got the train into Edinburgh.
“So that woman with the keys, does she always have to open and close the doors?”
“The conductor? Yes, that’s her job.”
“Does she have to open and close the doors at every station?”
“Yes, every station.”
“What about in the event of an emergency?”
“Does she still have to open and close the doors then?”
“Umm… I imagine so. Unless she was indisposed by the emergency. Actually, I DON’T KNOW.”
“Well she’s the only one with the keys.”
“Mum, have you noticed that you always manage to think of the absolute WORST case scenario in every situation?”
She peered out across the water for a long minute.
“Wow, you’re right! I do do that, don’t I?”