The Onions of Doom

The humble onion, while tasty, really shits me. Once they’re all cooked up they’re so harmless and delicious. It’s the raw form I have problems with. And I’m not talking about the crying, I can handle the crying, in fact I quite enjoy the crying, it makes me feel all melodramatic and fuzzy inside. I just hate how one small touch of an onion and its stinkiness sinks into your fingers. The pores soak it up like red wine to expensive carpet. And no amount of soap and scrubbing seems to get that smell off your skin.

Raw onions also trigger serious flashbacks. One whiff and I’m back at the dinner table and my sister is sitting across from me and we both have tears in our eyes.

— We don’t want to eat the icecream, Muuum.
— Eat the bloody icecream! There’s nothing wrong with it
— I’m telling you Mum, it tastes funny.
— I’ll give you funny in a minute.
— I will plunge this spoon into my heart if you make us go on.
— EAT!

It all started with the margarine. It had been on special for 99 cents a tub at Woolies, so we had 8 tubs of it in the freezer. One morning I gnashed into my vegemite toast and almost choked in disgust. Vegemite is a pretty domineering kind of flavour, but something about the margarine was the purest evil. Margarine isn’t supposed to taste like anything, it’s just the essential sludge for the vegemite to melt into. But this margarine tasted faintly savoury. I whinged to Mum but she commanded me to “EAT!”.

Months passed and we slowly made our way through the margarine stockpile. By then we complained bitterly that it tasted like “something had gone feral in the tub”. Then came the chocolate chip cookies. We’d made a double batch yonks ago so we had to put some away in the freezer. When we finally ate them, it was like swallowing death.

To this day I still go pale at the sight of a cookie. One expects a mouthful of buttery chocolately goodness, but these cookies had surely been marinating in a footballer’s armpit. The putrid after taste lingered for days. You’d think Mum would have believed us after we rolled around the kitchen floor clutching our stomachs for a full hour. The Vile Taste had penetrated almighty TUPPERWARE for heaven’s sake. If evil could invade solid, practical yet overpriced plasticware, surely the end of humanity was nigh.

But instead, we were forced to continue eating weird-tasting peas and pizza and lambchops, fresh from Satan’s icebox. It’s been well documented that I come from a family of tight-arsed waste-not-want-not bargain hunters. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the source of the problem encompassed all these qualities. When even the family dog refused to eat a rather pungently flavoured lamb roast, Mum finally admitted there was something wrong. I was sent in to investigate.

It was one of those massive chest freezers, big enough to fit a whole cow if it so pleased you. I felt like a deep-sea diver, legs flailing as I plunged down, scouring the ocean floor for ancient shipwrecks. The deeper down and closer to the stinky source I got, the more I wish I really did have some sort of oxygen device. Finally, I found it, stuck to the bottom. An innocent-looking plastic bag. But stuffed to the hilt with chopped raw onions.

“Oh! I forgot about those!” said Mum sheepishly.

Never one to resist a freebie, Mum had been given the onions at a school fete, leftovers from the sausage sizzle. She’d thrown them into the freezer For Future Use, and hadn’t given them another thought until long after their evil scent had invaded every last bit of food in the freezer and bludgeoned our tastebuds.

She was going to make us keep eating the remaining six loaves of bread (on special, $1.20), but we went on a hunger strike until she relented. Let this be a warning to you kiddies, onions are the devil’s vegetable.

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m Shauna, an author, copywriter and content mentor. I love telling stories about life and helping others to tell theirs.

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24 thoughts on “The Onions of Doom

  1. Hey Mosh-mate! First comment?!?! ;P Heh, as a young fellow my step-dad used to eat a handful of radishes which would transform him into The Radish Monster. He’d then chase us kids around, pin us down, and breath the evil Radish Breath on us. So, um, my phobia is radish related 😉

  2. First off, my parents have twelve tubs of margarine inhabiting their freezer full of chopped raw bell peppers. Talk about your ick.
    Those were on special for 88 cents.
    Secondly! Try taking some vanilla extract (or vanilla essence, whatever the hell you call it) and rubbing that on your hands. It’ll get rid of that onion smell right away.
    This has been more Helpful Advice From Marybeth. Thank you and good night.

  3. Chokos. My mother is evil. Say no more.

    Just take pity on the six-year-old forced to eat boiled choko opposite a mother happily chowing down on hers.

  4. Marybeth, does using vanilla essence/extract/etc as mouthwash work against the aromatic consequences of eating raw onion? (The reason I ask is because I like raw onion, but don’t like being single.)

    As for eating deceased food, I shall not forget the time I was given some rather suspiciously smelling fish fingers (and that’s not smut, ’cause that’s another story). Upon cutting into one of the aforementioned fish fingers, I discovered it to be green inside.

    When I reported this to my mother, I learned that she and my brother had just assumed that the different flavour was just how they just happened to taste. My brother ceased eating his, but our mother had already finished all hers.

    So, always look at what you’re about to put in your mouth!

  5. Shauny, your mother scares me. Deep down, I knew that my mother wasn’t the scariest on the planet, and you’ve helped prove it. . . 😉

  6. I like chokos though. Heh.

    As for the onion on your hands thing, washing with a teaspoon salt gets the stink off as well as anything.

  7. Must admit, Shauny, I’m with Adam right now.

    That is, opinion-wise.

    I’m probably gonna have nightmares tonight about your mother *g*

  8. Shauny, along with all of the other advice, fresh lemon juice works wonders. And we had the exact same prob with margarine and vegemite, except there was a chunk of onion IN the margarine. ew. (glad you’re back, did you get my e-card?)

  9. Simon, I don’t know about vanilla extract as a mouthwash, but it does have the same alcoholic content as Jaegermeister. So, go on and try it–I’ll not stand in your way. Hell, it’s Friday night! Go nuts!

  10. heheh I’m sorry you had to go through that kind of torture. At least you didn’t have to eat rolled-in-rice and covered-in-sauce meatballs called “porcupines”. Man I hate those things…

  11. Another thing. Onion Flakes are the saviour! 🙂 Just one tablespoon= one medium sized onion. 🙂

  12. I am like you – raw onions are awful, but cooked are wonderful.

    Just so you know – a little trick: to get the onion smell out of your fingers, rub them with fresh lemon juice (not the stuff in the bottle!). This will also take bluberry stains off your fingers (you know, when you’ve been messing with blueberries, and your fingers turn that weird color? Lemon juice removes it like a charm.)

    Just thought you’d like to know 🙂

  13. i once was trapped in a land-roving venison sausage maker for three days! When mum finally ate it i was left three inches shorter, with eyes wide open and full of tall tales for at least 8 months! Needless to say i stay away from all mingled intestine meat!!

  14. I love raw onions! 🙂 When I was younger though my Mother would eat raw onions and then say, “Oh, don’t let me breathe on you, I have onion breath.” Needless to say I hardly ever ate raw onions for fear of the breath, however just the other day I was CRAVING a raw onion!!!!!! WHY? Anywho…I ate a yellow one, it burned me and I ate the thing while riding my bike. help me to understand why I did this? Now I can’t stop eating a WHOLE onion raw!!!!!!!! I don’t even care about the breath either. 🙂

  15. Onions… are pretty tasty but have bizzare aftertaste, which I would like to know how to get rid of the breath other than drinking coffe which I despite.

  16. The best way to rid your hands of onion smell is to wet your hands under the kitchen fauset with water and then rub your wet hands on the neck of the fauset and the scent will disappear. I don’t know how or why this works but it does. Something to do with the water and the chrome I guess. I didn’t believe it when I was told about it at a cooking lesson in New Orleans.

  17. Lately, I have been craving raw onions. Not just any raw onion but the Valdila onion. Usually sweet and not hot. What I don’t understand WHY I have this craving. Is my body trying to tell me something?

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