The Warburton Effect

Sometimes I go searching for non-existent cracks and crumbles. It just can’t be right that there’s nothing wrong. I’ve watched a lot of marriages come and go, and grew up thinking they all had to have a certain style and flair. So why aren’t we throwing things? Where is the screaming? Where are the divorce papers? Where is the adultery?

Luckily when I fall victim to paranoia and cliched making-mountains-from-molehills behaviour, Gareth is incredibly patient. He’s also not afraid to point out when I’m being a moron, as I was the other night with the bread.

SHAUNA:  Hey, I am just going to open up this new loaf of Tesco Multigrain loaf, I think I’ve had enough of the Warburtons Seeded Batch.

GARETH:  Oh good! Throw it away because it’s boggin’.

S:  What? You don’t like it?

G:  Nah not really.

S:  What? You don’t like it at all?

G:  It’s alright, but I like the Tesco one better.

S:  You do? But I used to have that bread at my old house in Edinburgh and you’d eat it for breakfast for over a year!

G:  Well I didn’t hate it right away, it just sort of developed over time!

S:  But WHY didn’t you TELL me? You have to TELL me if you don’t like something so I can FIX it! Before it escalates into something worse! If I don’t know about problems how can I solve them!?

G:  It’s just bread!

S:  But for all those months you ate your toast and acted like you liked it when all along you didn’t!

G:  It’s bread!

S:  I wouldn’t normally buy the Warbutons, you know. It’s really like my Last Resort bread. I wanted to get Hovis Country Grain which is my Agreeable Substitute bread if we can’t get to Tesco, but they were out of that… OH! What about the Hovis Country Grain? Do you not like that either!?

G:  It’s great!

Later on, around midnight, I was drifting off to sleep when Gareth suddenly mumbled in the darkness.

GARETH:  I can’t believe they did it!

SHAUNA:  Can’t believe who did what?

G:  I can’t believe the other Beatles let Paul McCartney record Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da. It’s so shite!

S:  Oh I agree completely.

G:  Mmmhmm.

S:  So… you really don’t like that Warburtons.

G:  Oh man!

S:  Well?

G:  Nah. It’s just too squishy.

S:  I don’t really like it either, you know. The bread is almost like white bread with a few seeds tossed in to pretend like it’s healthy, but they’re not fooling anybody.

G:  Yeah. It doesn’t toast well.

S:  I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me. All this time I’ve been buying this bread, all this time you’ve been unhappy!

G:  I’m not unhappy!

S:  But don’t you SEE? If you can’t tell me you’re not happy with the bread, who knows how many other shitty things I’m doing but you’re too polite to inform me about? If you don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong you’ll be stockpiling all these resentments for years and years until one day it bubbles over and you run off with some blonde!

G:  You really worry about this blonde, don’t you?

S:  Well!

G:  Hehe. Well Oprah, it all started in 2005 when he confessed that he didn’t like the Warburtons Seeded Batch! But it really wasn’t about the bread at all!

S:  Arrgh!

G:  It was a symptom of something far deeper! A festering boil in their marriage!

S:  !!!

G:  I call it, the Warburton Effect!

S:  Ahh, shut yer guts.

About Shauna Reid

Ahoy there! I’m Shauna, an author, copywriter and content mentor. I love telling stories about life and helping others to tell theirs.

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23 thoughts on “The Warburton Effect

  1. oooh firstpost! i’m all special and shit. anyway, i can’t wait to get you home so we can extol the virtues of Orstrayan bread to you. When my scottish mate Harry’s parents visited they were very excited about the bread based options available for perusal and indeed purchase at any given neighbourhood purveyour of baked goods. Almost as excited as they were about seeing real live lesbians on Brunswick St (“Look, Lesbians!”, said Harry’s dad, in a voice that was entirely too loud and obvious and Scottish)

  2. I feel for Gareth on this, as a fellow guy, I can tell you that women drive us nuts about this stuff. We get by, if something really bothers us we will whinge about it, don’t worry about that, but we don’t fret the little things. But could you all just stop worrying about it, and more importantly, stop driving us nuts about it because we certainly aren’t worrying about it.

  3. jeff and krista – if you guys think that sounds familiar well then i feel better… i mean you’ve been married like TWO WEEKS. hehehehe.

  4. Well, since weve been married Ive been pretty calm, but the two-and-a-half previous years … oy. Two people cant possibly just be quite happy, can they? Something somewhere must be wrong!

  5. I love your blog. Little savoury nibbles of entertainment in the bloated fast-food, doughnut-filled web. Ooh I like that metaphor!

  6. Hmm, yes, it is a bit soft. And sort of sweetish. Like a sort of bready cake. It’s OK with jam on it, I suppose…

    Hee hee hee. My mother has always used “a blonde” as shorthand for any masculine betrayal. She’s accused my father of secretly keeping one for years (that’s where all our money goes, apparently.) They’ve been happily married for 32 years.

    Recently she announced that she didn’t feel threatened by the blonde any more “as she must be getting a bit long in the tooth by now”. That’s the spirit. One should never feel threatened by imaginary mistresses.

    Oh, and it is not at all unknown for me to suddenly say to Jon, “Do you really think I shouldn’t have bought those shoes? You think I buy too many shoes, don’t you?” when shoes (for example) have not been mentioned for some days. I think it’s human nature to dwell on the inessentials.

  7. I think you have to take these things in stages. You’ve hit the “loaf syndrome” pretty soon but it’s pretty smooth after that.

    Ohh until you hit the “marmalade wobbles” that can be a bit hairy but I’m sure you’ll get through (if nothing else Gareth seems pretty level headed, nice balance of personalities there ;-).

    We’re just coming up on our “bogroll blowout” but we’ve gotten through rougher times in the past and hell, that’s what marriages are all about!

  8. Billy Joe Noodle Bob, kudos on first post and hilarious Harry style story.

    But on with the bread.

    Shauny, blokes will tear the mouldy bit out of bread and toast it till it matches the swiss cheese. Uncomplaining simpletons, that’s us.

    Step down from defcon one petal and enjoy the ease.

    pol x

  9. It used to be that my favorite thing to do while reading this blog was to read it in my best Australian accent…I knew I had it going when Shauna and Corner rhymed and at the time I thought…there’s just nothing to make a post funnier than to read it with a nice Australian accent.

    But there is.

    These days I try to do both your voices while I’m reading. Now when I roll my Scottish R’s (like in “festering”) it makes such a nice play off of the voice I have of you saying “So… you really don’t like that Warburton’s”.

    This is why you are such a great and joyful read.

  10. This is exactly what I do! I made my husband read it and we laughed about it. I’m glad to know I’m not alone!!! 🙂

  11. 😉 know the situation ….
    And the wondering where the flying dishes are… well I´m still waiting, also for the blaiming and the bit of stuff on the side … bit so far .. 😉

  12. Had to laugh… my man’s surname is Warburton and we both tend to put up with the annoying little things but never say anything because we’re so easy going… not important stuff like what bread we like tho!

  13. I found out a while back, three years into a good, strong relationship ( I think/hope) that my boyfriend had been throwing away the tuna sandwiches I made him and he couldn’t/wouldn’t/forgot to tell me that he didn’t like them. I was horrified. I was convinced that the mousy haired-church attending-violin playing- teacher that his Mum would love would have known this without him having to tell me. I tried to become that person for a bit, difficult as I have a very short fuse, but was told to stop as it was creepy.

  14. Spooky – Entirely too familiar!

    It is amazing how blogs…particularly Shauna’s blogs’, make our worlds seem so small and so large at the same time! All the similar connections and feelings everyone has…but yet we cross the globe…

    I appreciate this all of the time.

  15. I just stumbled across your blog through a series of late night, insomnia driven link clicking, and can’t stop reading – thank you for the entertainment

  16. I like Erica’s post, there is nothing quite like finding pearls.

    appreciated Shauna.

    You and Gareth have a lovely time in Oz, send me a pic of my beloved Melbourne.

    pol x

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